Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Fighting School Girls
by Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor
Summary: Update: April 2006. A celebration of sorts, not only to Nintendo's Jump Superstars, but of certain memories from the 80s...oh yeah, Shinji Ikari becomes AWESOME in here
1. Girl's Eye For The Fighting Guy

Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Fighting School Girls

By Kairi Taylor

Episode 1: Girl's Eye For The Fighting Guy

Disclaimer: These are not my characters…damn. They are copyright of Capcom, SNK Playmore & various anime companies. And you can't sue for parody. So nyahhh! 

(Outside a cafe. Both Sakura & Ibuki are standing outside, dressed in their respective school uniforms)  
  
Ibuki: Welcome, gamers one & all! I'm Ibuki, ninja in training, but as you can see I must also maintain my life as a high school student.   
Sakura: You already know me. Or at least remember me for the color of my panties. Pervs. Anyway, what's on todays agenda?  
Ibuki: Well, it's that time of year again. The time when young women have a day to express their adoration to the ones they love in the most reasonable of fashions. And also, the only way we can get our men to sit with us & watch sappy romantic movie they believe will get them laid.  
Sakura: Ah, the holiday known as 'Valentine's Day'.   
Ibuki: Now in Japan, it's different. We, the gals, give guys chocolates. A month later, they reciprocate by giving us white chocolates or gifts. I got about a ton of chocolate kitties last year.  
Sakura: Really? All I got were ZERO-1 tapes & tickets to PRIDE championship fights.  
Ibuki: That's not too bad.  
Sakura: You should have seen what Chun Li sent me. 'Kinky' doesn't even begin to describe it. Anyway, this year, we're gonna do something different!   
Ibuki: Instead of chocolate, certain male fighters are gonna get something they needed for a long time...  
Sakura: A personality?  
Ibuki: No, that wasn't in Dad's budget. No..it's time for...hey, roll the title in...  
  
(The Words 'Girl's Eye For The Fighting Guy' is rolled in by a exhausted Smash.)  
  
Ibuki: Yes! When a man needs a makeover, leave it to the sensible female to steer him in the right direction!  
Smash: Why did I have to wheel this in?   
Sakura: Because you're still working off your probation for peeking at King in the bathhouse. Now pull, fanboy slave!  
Smash: Yes'um...  
  
(Ryu's dojo. Ibuki & Sakura arrive, a giant trunk being wheeled behind them by Smash.)  
  
Smash: Must...never...do...physical labor...again...  
Sakura: Our first stop is the home of my mentor & stalwart Capcom fighting hero, Ryu.  
Ibuki: Now he was a no brainer. For years, he's been travelling in nothing but his gi. Even Kyo had the sense to change his outfits twice.  
Sakura: To be fair, he does have a girlfriend.   
Ibuki: Right, let's get started.

(Sakura knocks on the door. Ryu comes out dressed in his usual getup.)  
  
Ryu: Hello Sakura. Ibuki too. Have you come to get a match with me?  
Sakura: No. This is a an emergency.  
Ibuki: We've come to give you a makeover.  
Ryu: A makeover? Does this involve getting new fighting techniques?  
Sakura: See, that is your problem. You're a fight-a-holic & you do not want to admit it.  
Ibuki: You've spent so much time fighting you've forgotten how to interact with females.   
Ryu: I know how to interact with women.  
Sakura: By 'interact' I mean doing something that doesn't involve using your fists or feet as deadly weapons.  
Ryu: Oh...well I guess I need to brush up on that.  
Sakura: Fine.  
Ibuki: Let's step inside & begin your makeover.  
Ryu: Say Smash, what does this 'makeover' involve?  
Smash: For you, it means you may actually get laid before this story is over.  
  
(Inside. Ryu is in a small fitting room. Sakura & Ibuki stand outside.)  
  
Ibuki: In a moment, Ryu will step out of this room & show his new look for all the world to either fawn over or despise with disgust & hatred. I bet on the first one.  
Sakura: _ _ (tries to sneak a peek in)  
Ibuki: Stop that. We're beyond that.  
Sakura: Aw c'mon, it's Ryu we're talking about. Haven't you ever wondered what was beneath the gi?  
Ibuki: Us ninjas are beyond such needs to obsess over the physical form. We have to keep our focus on the goals at hand.  
Sakura: So, how do you explain Mai?  
Ibuki: ...point taken. Wow, he's got a pretty hot ass.  
Sakura: One side, let me see.  
Smash: AHEM!!!  
Sakura: Oh, right...

(A few minutes later, Ibuki stands next to a red curtain.)  
  
Ibuki: Ok ladies...it's that moment we have all been waiting for!  
Sakura: You mean the moment where Justin Timberlake admits he likes kissing men?  
Ibuki: No. I introduce you to the new & improved, for lack of a better term, Ryu!  
  
(Ryu steps out from behind the curtain. He is now dressed in a pair of blue jeans, a tight fitting black shirt & a leather jacket. His red headband is still on, but he has a wicked pair of shoes on.)  
  
Sakura: We took some advice from Terry Bogard & outfitted our man here with a classic but practical look. So, how do you feel?  
Ryu: Hey...this is actually pretty good. But what is this stuff I was made to splash upon my chest.  
Ibuki: Cologne. It was that stuff you were given after Ken made you take a shower.  
Ryu: Ah. Why does it burn my nostrils though?  
Sakura: It means it's working.   
Ryu: Very well...so, how do I initiate in the art of wooing a fair female?  
  
(Smash limps in, his body covered in scratches.)  
  
Smash: Did you know there's a mob of fangirls outside, clamoring for Ryu?  
Sakura: Wow, that was fast. But we'll not rush things.  
Ibuki: Right. Come along, Ryu. We're going to Mai's house for our second target.  
Smash: You're gonna make over Andy?  
Ibuki: Mai requested it. He's almost as bad as Ryu.  
Ryu: No, he's worse.  
Smash: How so?  
Ryu: I may say 'the fight is all' & all that other junk, but even I would tap that ass in a heartbeat.  
Smash: A-freakin'-men, bro! (both hi five each other.)  
Ibuki: Men.  
  
(Andy's dojo. The group arrive as Smash hauls in yet another suitcase)  
  
Smash: Shouldn't Taylor be doing this or something? He's the director.  
Ibuki: He's waiting to make a Nabeshin-like entrance.  
Sakura: Yeah. But I doubt he can have such a righteous afro as Nabeshin.  
Smash: True that.

(Sakura knocks on the dojo door. It opens & Andy peeks his head out.)  
  
Andy: Er...hello?  
Ibuki: Good news, Younger Bogard! We've come to give you a makeover!  
Andy: I'd like to, but ninja training takes precedent.  
Sakura: Not so fast, friend! Ms Shiranui requested you undergo this procedure.  
Andy: Mai? This was her idea? Well then, I guess I'll have to...  
  
(Tries to make a run for it. A tranquiler dart is embedded in the back of his neck. As Andy slumps down, Sakura twirls a gun in her hand.)  
  
Sakura: I thought ninjas could dodge things like this easily.  
Ryu: You shot him point blank.  
Sakura: Oh yeah...Well, you guys better get him ready.  
Smash: Why us?  
Sakura: Two females undressing a unconscious male...do you know on how many levels just how wrong that sounds now?  
Ryu: I'll grab his feet.  
Smash: Ok.  
  
(Ten minutes later. Ibuki & Sakura stand in front of the same curtain. Sounds of a struggle are heard.)  
  
Sakura: And now...  
Ibuki: Presenting a remade Andy. (Andy is shoved forcibly outside. He is dressed in a denim shirt & black pants.)  
Andy: This feels so...alien.   
Ibuki: Maybe if you would step outside of the dojo every five days, you'd be prepared for this.  
Sakura: Now then you two, prepare for your date!  
Andy: HEY!!! I hardly touch Mai, but I assure you, my tastes don't swing that way!!  
Ibuki: No, dummy! With Mai.  
Andy: Oh, right...er, what is this 'date' you talk of?  
Sakura: Uh oh.  
Ibuki: How do we deal with this?  
????: LEAVE IT TO ME!!!!  
  
(Taylor drops in, dressed as Nabeshin, only with no kick ass afro.)  
  
Sakura: You're late!  
Taylor: I know. Traffic. Anyway, with my help Bogard, you will be learn the arts of romancing your female!  
Smash: Does that include fleeing for your life the moment she tries to kiss your lips.  
  
(Not amused, Taylor pulls out a handgun & shoots Smash's foot.)  
  
Smash: ARRRGGHHH!!! SONUVA*****!!!!!  
Sakura: It's a tall order. Can you do it?  
Taylor: Just watch.  
  
5 Minutes Later...  
  
Taylor: At last my son, I have taught you the skills you need to succeed.  
Andy: Er...I'm not your son. And I kinda--  
Taylor: You must go now...romance the woman of your dreams. Win her heart with all you have!  
Andy: But she already loves me, you know. And I'm certain that--  
Taylor: Farewell my student! Remember my teachings.  
Andy: Are you sure you're not insane! (A puff of smoke & Taylor vanishes.)  
Ibuki: Ok...let's just get you crazy kids all set for your romantic evening.   
Andy: Sure...but where the hell did he just go?  
Smash: Look on the roof.  
  
(Taylor is on the roof, cape blowing in the wind, striking a dramatic anime-esque pose)  
  
Smash: STOP HAMMING IT UP & GET YOUR LAZY ASS TO WORK!!!  
Sakura: I don't think insulting the author is a wise idea.  
Smash: Why? (Rainbow Mika & Sailor Mars walk in.)  
S. Mars: Excuse me, are you Smash Daisaku?  
Smash: Uh, who wants to know?  
R. Mika: Good enough. Loose the hounds.   
  
(Smash runs for his life as some dogs give chase.)

Ryu: So, who am I supposed to go on a date with?  
Ibuki: Ah, good question.  
Sakura: We gave several eligible women the opportunity to compete to go with you on a romantic cruise for two around Tokyo Bay courtesy of Garcia Enterprises.  
Andy: That sounds fair.  
Sakura: Oh, it does at first. Then we realized that 99.9% of the contestants were all fighters. So we decided to make it reasonable.  
Ibuki: We stuck them in an warehouse & let them fight it out NJPW style. The winner should be coming in right now.  
  
(At that moment, Makoto limps in, dressed in a formal blouse.)  
  
Makoto: Heh, finally, I made it. Had to beat over a dozen girls to do this, but it was worth it.  
Ryu: Hey...nice neckband.  
Makoto: Ibuki-chan, I still don't know why I have to do this.  
Ibuki: Because the word 'unfeminine' keeps popping up every time I try to get a guy interested in you. And every time someone says that word, you cave their nose in with your fists.  
Makoto: I can't help it. Every time I hear that word, for some reason I get all worked up into a brutish rage.  
Sakura: Anyway, you two go off & have fun. And don't do anything I've haven't done.  
Ibuki: Or attempted to do...while drunk...with some poor man tied up in ropes.  
Sakura: I tell you, I had no recollection of doing that to Ryu.  
  
(Makoto walks off with Ryu.)  
  
Andy: What about me & Mai?  
Sakura: Good question. What have we got for him?  
Ibuki: An all expenses paid dinner at the Nekohaten.  
Sakura: All expenses paid?  
Ibuki: Well, Robert IS paying for this?  
Sakura: How'd you manage that?  
  
(Yuri walks by, whistling innocently as she puts ice on her fists.)  
  
Andy: Ok, but where's Mai. (Mai appears behind Andy, dressed in an outfit so revealing, Christina Aguilera would call it slutty.)  
Sakura: Ok, any, turn around real slowly.   
Ibuki: Trust us on this buddy.  
Andy: What do you---(turns around) Oh dear. (passes out)  
Mai: I see now why the smelling salts are needed.  
Sakura: Indeed. Well, until next time gamers, this is Sakura wishing you luck in your endevors for love.  
Smash: Uh, could someone stop these hounds from chasing me? I would like my ass to be free of teeth marks!!!


	2. Ultimate Muscleheads

Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Fighting School Girls

Episode II: Ultimate Muscle Heads

Inscribed by the righteous keyboards of Kairi Taylor

(Outside of an arena. Sakura & Ibuki are unloading a van)  
  
Sakura: Ah, welcome1 I bet you're thinking that we're taking part in yet another mindless battle for the earth!  
Ibuki: Be reasonable readers. We're not as transparent as Dragon Ball Z. No, today we're here to cheer on our favorite associate in her battle.  
Sakura: Allow us to introduce the next character in our troupe. She's a bonafide Taekwondo hero if I ever saw one, May Lee!  
  
(May Lee walks in, a backpack in hand.)  
  
May: Hey. So, what's on my agenda?  
Sakura: Good question. You see, Ibuki has failed to tell us just what kind of fight you should be expecting.  
Ibuki: I did tell you. You were just busy gobbling up food to notice words coming out of my mouth. It's a type of wrestling tourney.  
May: Oh, is that all? This is a cakewalk. Maser Kim has taught me all I need to know in handling anyone who has grappling skills  
Ibuki: True, but this is not just any wrestling league. It's...  
  
(Kid Muscle leaps in.)  
  
Kid Muscle: Uh, the title of this story is 'Ultimate Muscle Heads'. Now enjoy.  
  
(Inside the arena, May Lee, Sakura & Ibuki observe a match.)  
  
Sakura: I'm not familiar with this brand of fighting.  
May: I know these guys. They use over the top brutal maneuvers to score a knockout.  
Sakura: Jus how over the top are we talking?  
May: I say about as outrageous as anything I've seen Ramon do in a ring. Hey, isn't that Jim Ross?  
  
(May points out Jim Ross, who is fighting Mark Madden.)  
  
Ibuki: This match is billed as the fight for the throne of wrestling announcers everywhere.  
Sakura: Then where's Joey Styles?  
Joey: Someone has to announce the match. OHMIGOD!!! LOOK AT WHAT MADDEN HAS DONE!!!  
  
(Madden is kicking JR in the face, then picks him up by the neck & slams him down hard. He leaps like a ballerina to a nearby turnbuckle & poses.)  
  
May: Normally, someone as obese as him would not be so agile, but in the world of UM, anything goes.  
Joey: Indeed. Looks like he's going for it...THE FAT ASS SPLASH!!!  
  
(Madden leaps & cartwheels in the air, before turning & going for his frog splash. At the last second, JR spins away. Madden lands hard in his face.)  
  
Madden: OH GOD!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!  
JR: Several ladies n the audience take umbrage to that remark. (Does a three point stance)  
Joey: Uh oh..it looks like he's going for it...  
JR: BOOMER SOONER!!!  
  
(JR dashes & hits Madden hard into the air. Madden lands on his head, spinning around. Taking a deep breath, JR runs up to him & kicks him so hard, his body is sent flying out of the ring & into the side of one of the rafters.)  
  
May: I think JR has won this one.  
Ibuki: I think Madden is gonna need a new neck.

Sakura: So while we wait while they scrape up what's left of Mark Madden from the side of the building...  
Foreman: He's too goddamned fat! Get the heavyduty lift!  
Sakura: We'll look at the members of May's clique. You have a clique?  
May: Yeah. After I mastered everything Master Kim taught us, I went out & formed my own group on the principles of justice. We go in to towns & clean up with the best way we know how...by caving their noses in with our fists & feet.  
Ibuki: I'm down with that!  
May: I know. I've got a battle royal to look forward to. So allow me to introduce my other members of MLJS- MAY LEE JUSTICE SQUAD!!!  
  
(A burst of smoke later, three people step out into the fray. They are Amelia,.Viewtiful Joe & Taylor, still in his Nabeshin getup.)  
  
Amelia: We are the ultimate purveyors of law & justice!  
Joe: And we do it in STYLE!!!  
Taylor: And with as much ownage as possible...but why the heck can't you let me carry my special rifle?  
May: Because you & guns are an even bigger danger to the world than the crooks whose ass we kick.  
Sakura: A rather unusual group of fighters we have here.  
Ibuki: I'll say.  
????: Too bad they'll be working for such a loser as yourself!  
May: Oh no...YOU!!!!  
  
(Standing over the entrance ramp is a blonde girl with taped up fists & a bandana.  
  
Sakura: Who is that?  
May: A girl who is the exact opposite of all we stand for!  
Ibuki: Bizarro May?  
?????: No. I am...June!  
Ibuki: Yeah, Bizarro May.  
May: I don't get it.  
Ibuki: You see, May is a spring month & June is a summer month....  
Sakura: But Autumn is more like the opposite of May. You see, Spring is life & Autumn is representative of death....  
June: ENOUGH!! Your banal chatter has annoyed me! I will destroy this justice freak with the power of my brand of boxing skills!   
May: Get over yourself, kid. Boxing is nice, but your motives perverse the ideals of the sport.  
Sakura: Uh, you are familiar with the sport right? It's rife of scandal & corruption.  
Ibuki: Dudley & Axel are the exception, you know.  
June: Bah, enough of this! I'll get you in the ring!

(As June leaves, May faces the others.)  
  
May: I've known her ever since high school. She's a bit melodramatic, but she is quite a accomplished fighter.  
Sakura: So, why does she want to beat you up so badly? Rivalry thing?  
May: More like an I've Beaten Her At Everything So She's Turned To Evil' thing.  
Joe: Hey, Taylor, your match is next.  
Taylor: Sweet.Let's see who I get to pummel.  
  
(Taylor steps into the ring, smoothing out his tie. The announcer smoothes his toupee.)  
  
Announcer: Welcome to another special night of Muscle League Dream Match! To my left is a member of MLJS, Nabeshin!!  
Taylor: Uh, I'm Taylor.  
Announcer: Huh? Oh right. It's the suit, man.  
Taylor: I know.   
Announcer: And now entering the ring, from some unknown street in the Shinjiku district, Saigado Man!!!!  
Taylor: What?  
  
(A guy in red shirt & mask steps into the ring. He reeks of booze & underarm sweat.)  
  
Taylor What the hell---couldn't I get Ramen Man? I'll even take Dik Dik van Dik!  
S. Man: Never fear. I, Saigado Man, supplier of over the top hentai fantasies to fan boys everywhere shall give you a worthy match.  
Taylor: ....C'mon New EdgeSonic, this is hella lame. Quit it.  
Joe: Dude, NES is over there. (Points to NES, who is being asaulted by Akiman.)  
Akiman TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT YUKES GAMES, BITCH!!!!!  
NES: Can't breathe...speech no longer available...  
S. Man: Now face the fury of hentai power!!!  
May: Just who is that guy?  
Taylor: Remember that little incident a few months ago involving Bao, Athena & every pissed off male member of their village?  
May: Yes...with much hesitation.  
Sakura: Yeah, I'm guessing that guy represents the comic company that NES loves.  
May: WHAT?!!!!   
Taylor: I'll be stepping away now.   
  
(Donning her cape, May literally flies towards the ring & rapidly kicks Saigado Man in the face. She kicks him in the groin & proceeds to stomp him into the corner.)  
  
Taylor: Well...I hope you know what this means...  
Janitor Yeah. I'm gonna need a new mop!  
S. Man: Please stop pummeling my face! I need my teeth! How else will I chew food?  
May: Not my concern!!! UNRELENTING INNOCENT VIRGIN JUSTICE CRUSHER!!!!  
  
(May grabs one of Saigado Man's arms & uses it to bash & slam him into the ground over & over again until she twirls him over her head & kicks him into a window)  
  
Taylor: So much for my match.  
Announcer: I guess.  
Sakura: At least you have your mandatory appearance.  
Ibuki: Yeah...however brief it was.  
Taylor: Yeah, sure.

(back in the announcer's booth)  
  
Joey: As soon as we finish sweeping up teeth & mopping away excess blood, the battle royale will begin. And joining me in the booth tonight is Terry Kenyon.  
Terry: Howdy folks! Nice to see you all. Looks like we got ourselves a real bar room type brawl of a battle royale tonight!  
Joey: Indeed we do. The ring's starting to fill up now.  
Terry: And some of the best & brightest of wrestling are in this fight. And then there's Ramon.  
Ramon: HEY!  
  
(May stretches her legs for a bit as Ibuki coaches her.)  
  
Ibuki: Now, remember the strategy I discussed with you earlier.  
May: You mean plunge a small knife into the center of the radish & twist it, then soak it in water?  
Ibuki: No, that's for later. I mean the way to handle all of those other grapplers.  
May: Ah, right. In that case, Joe, get on your knees.  
Joe: I have a girlfriend, you know.  
May: No, silly. I need a boost.  
  
(Joe kneels down. May bounces of of his back & dives feet first into the ring)  
  
Amelia: Is that what I think it is?  
May: SUPER MAY LEE DYNAMITE JUSTICE KICK OF SPIFFY OWNAGE!!!  
Joe: Yeah, I believe it is.)  
  
(The ensuing explosion sends various guys sailing out of the ring. All that are left is May, June, Kevin Mask, Richocet, Masked Muscle, Big Bear & Tizoc.)  
  
May: Wow. Not that many people could survive the initial impact.  
Kevin: Well,it was a simple matter of shielding my eyes, then ducking the 3987 kicks you managed to throw in the speed of light. May I ask HOW you did that?  
B. Bear: Does it matter, old chap? For soon I will DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE!!!  
Kevin: ...ok, I know who YOU are. I also know who the little bowling ball headed kid is...but who are you?  
Masked Muscle: I was in Super Punch Out!  
Tizoc: But you're a boxer!  
M. Muscle: So? Luchadors can be boxers too!  
Richocet: That's not in the code!  
M. Muscle: SCREW THE CODE!!!  
Richocet: He dishonored the CODE!!!!  
Tizoc: Indeed! By all of lucha's might, I'll beat him to a pulp..or just kick his ass, whatever comes naturally.

Joey: It looks like Masked Muscle has made a serious error!  
Terry: I'll say!! Insulting the Luchador Code is like insulting Texas itself! And no one insults Texas & lives to tell about it.  
Joey: But people insult Texas all the time.  
Terry: Yeah, and how many of them are sipping through straws right now?  
Joey: You got a point there. Look at what those two are doing!  
  
(Kevin Mask & Big Bear are grappling.)  
  
B. Bear: Hey, you're pretty strong for a shrimp.  
Kevin: And you're pretty healthy for a bloated fat ass!  
B. Bear: Hey, a lot of that is muscle, bud. (Kicks Kevin in the midsection, then grabs him by the neck.)   
Kevin: Ha, think a simple chokeslam can stop me, amateur?!  
B. Bear: Hah, you think too small! I've got something much cooler in mind.  
  
(Big Bear twirls him around & around, making Kevin feel dizzy. Kevin manages to grab Bear's arm & using his momentum, slam him face first into a ring post)  
  
Kevin: Pretty impressive. But I got brains on my side.   
Tizoc: Prepare for the might OF LUCHADOR FURY!!! (Dashes at Masked Muscle.)  
M. Muscle: Oh CRAP!!!!   
Trainer: Spit in his eyes!!  
  
(Muscle spits in Tizoc's eyes.)  
  
Tizoc: Ah!! It reeks of kimchee!   
????: ILLEGAL!!!  
  
(A Judge on a chocobo gives a yellow card to Masked Muscle)  
  
M. Muscle: What the--THIS WAS NOT AGAINST THE RULES!!!  
Judge: This isn't a realm entirely without laws!   
M. Muscle: BULLCRAP!!!  
Richocet: Uh, excuse me?  
M. Muscle: What?  
  
(Richocet smashes into Muscle's face with The Pulverizing Pinball. As Muscle staggers, Tizoc regains his sight)  
  
Tizoc: You're going down, senor!  
M. Muscle: Oh pooh.

Joey: It looks like Tizoc is about to put the nail in Muscle's coffin!

Terry: Here it comes!!!

(Tizoc grabs Muscle by the throat & raises his hand in the air, signaling for the Big Griffon Drop. He leaps, Muscle in hand, smashing his body into the ceiling then drops down for a humongous chokeslam.)

Joey: OH MY GOD!!!

Terry: I gotta say that was a pretty awesome display of power…too bad both of them went through the ring itself right into the basement.

Sakura: Damn. The chiropractor's gonna have a field day.

Ibuki: Yes. 

Richochet: Wha---WHOO!! I'M STILL IN THE MATCH!!! I'M  A SURVIVOR!! I'M—

(The little luchador's speech in interrupted by the flying body of Big Bear as he is tossed across the ring through the ropes into the stands.)

Richocet:: I'm eliminated…

B. Bear: hhoo…look at all the flying doughnuts.

Kevin: Well, so much for them. (wipes his hands clean. As he turns around, he fails to notice the gaping hole in the ring. He trips & manages to fall into the basement.)

Ref: Uh…you guys alright down there?

Tizoc: Swell…

Kevin: Superb…

M. Muscle: Ohhh, a squishie machine!

Sakura: That just leaves our comrade & her mortal foe.

Ibuki: Uh huh, look at them go!

Amelia: Those two haven't slowed down yet!

(May & June are trading punches & kicks respectively June leaps back at one point, her fists glowing)

Joe: Oh no…she wouldn't….

Sakura: What is she doing?

Ameila: Beats me.

Joe: She's going for her signature move.

Ibuki: How bad is it?

Joe: Bad as in Seinfeld last episode bad. Bad as in Pluto Nash bad. Bad as in the entire run of Colin Baker as Doctor Who bad….

Sakura: That's pretty harsh. 

June: Prepare for my fury, interloper!

May: How am I an interloper? You don't even live here!

Sakura: Just what is this 'special attack of hers?

Joe: The B.M.!

Ibuki: Just what does BM stand for? Bold Mollusks?

June: SHUT UP!!! BICMACBACONLETTUCECHEESEONASESAMESEEDBUN PUNCH!!!!!!

(June throws a punch into the ground at May's feet, causing a huge explosion. When the dust settles, half the ring is gone. May is standing behind June.)

Sakura: …Big Mac?

Ibuki: That's what it stands for?!

Joe: You should see the Ryoga version.

May: That was cute and all…but I think I'll wrap this charade up.

Terry: I don't know why, but I'm just dying for a bacon burger right now.

Joey: That'll have to wait. Looks like May is about to show her ultimate move.

(May kicks June high into the air, then she backflips & bounces off of the ring ropes, headed straight for June. Grabbing her in a head scissors,  she does a 1080 twist before slaming her into the ring canvas. Then she neatly rolls the semi conscious June out of the remains of the ring, onto the floor.)

Joey: The TKD Twist of Ultimate Justice always gets it's man!

Terry: Or woman.

Joey: Whatever. Let's go eat some burgers.

Sakura: Whoa…AWESOME!

May: Not just awesome, it reeked of JUSTICE! (poses proudly as the MLJS poses behind her, doing their own poses.)

Sakura: Well, that's all for this installment! Until we meet again, loyal readers!

Ibuki: Hey! No pictures! 


	3. Episode 2A

Sakura & Ibuki Special Time Filler Episode: Not Really Final,  Is SO Not A Fantasy, Not Part Xi But Episode 2-A & Written Mostly Online At A Message Board

By Kairi Taylor

(Rikido Koshi is sitting down next to a PS2 with Final Fantasy XI on the TV. He guides a character along.)

Rikido: Hmmm…let me see what this sign says…'I, Kairi Taylor, give my permission  to have Sakura & Ibuki be absent from this episode & have the fanboys be part of an online RPG story.' What kind of sign is that?

(Another player walks by. The text 'PS2 & GC R GAY!!! XBOX RULZ!!!!' blaze on screen)

Rikido: Impotent dog!!! DIE!!!! (Presses a button)

(Players house. As he snickers, his TV glows & explodes.)

_And now, because I'm stressed out & need to buy some time, here's a special episode of the adventures of two award winning literary bastards_  
  
(Taylor & Shingo walk out of a house. But they both look different. Shingo is taller & has long ears while Taylor has on body armor & a  couple of samurai swords.)  
  
Taylor: Hello gamers! Welcome to our special episode. But something today is...amiss.  
Shingo: Amiss...AMISS?! I step out of this house looking like a castaway from Lord of The Rings & you say something is amiss?  
Taylor: Relax, I'm sure that somewhere out here, an explanation is there.  
  
(NES walks out, dressed in the Red Mage uniform)  
  
NES: Welcome to the world of Vana'diel!!!  
Taylor: ...NES, you have precisely 32.098 seconds to explain why & how we are here. Use that time wisely.  
NES: Relax will you? I just got us a Mega Mega So Awesome It Defies All Known Laws of Man's So Called Science World Pass.  
Shingo: Say what?  
NES: Simply put, this pass allows us to freely travel around the worlds of Vana'diel as we wish.  
Shingo: Ok.  
Taylor: Sounds cool...but if this is some weird ass attempt to score with catgirls, I'd say Shingo would have you beat.  
Shingo: This coming from someone who has a copy of Harry Potter stashed away in his duffel bag.  
Taylor: I HAVE NEEDS!!!  
NES: Relax. You two have appropriate job classes by the way. Shingo, you're a Ranger & Taylor, you're obviously a Samurai.  
Taylor: Cool with me. What's our mission? Why are we here on this accursed island?  
NES: To bring peace throughout the realm...and to bring in as much gil, rare treasure & magic weapons as possible.  
Shingo: You had me at gil! Onward!  
  
(In a forest...)  
  
Taylor: Are you sure you know where this temple is?  
NES: Yeah. You wanna look at my map?  
Taylor: I rather not touch anything that has come into contact with your hands...but I am wearing gloves.  
  
(Looks over the map.)  
  
Shingo: You can read that?  
Taylor: When you've mastered reading military maps, you can read anything. What's this?...'Beware The End Bringer, He Who Devours Souls & Flesh Alike, That Which Should Not Be'.  
Shingo: Odd. And mildly poetic. Are they talking about Ben Affleck  
Taylor: I've heard of this...it is a creature which has no equal. A beast beyond our realm, something that makes hardy men quake with fear. It is a being not to be trifled with.  
NES: What? A Balrog? A Lich? Dear God not A Flaming Gunarvian TOTH?!!!  
Shingo: First, I have no idea what the hell THAT thing you just metioned is, but for the love of God himself, don't even describe it. Second, what the hell are you talking about Taylor?  
Taylor: Let's just say Palidor would be a better alternative in a battle to the death.  
  
(At that moment, a cute bunny approaches the crew.)

Shingo: Hey look, a rabbit! Let's kill it, we could use some jerky.  
Taylor: Ick. Rabbit jerky? I'll stew it thank you very much.  
NES: NO! It's too cute to kill! Let's breed it & raise a rabbit farm!  
Taylor: This isn't Harvest Moon, you loon! Besides, we can use the experience.  
Shingo: Isn't it odd that in order to become stronger, you kill cute fuzz balls of niceness?  
Taylor: Never fazed me. NES, go kill it.  
NES: Ah, fine!  
  
(NES takes out his epee & lunges at the rabbit. The rabbit leaps at him & jumps upon him.)  
  
NES: What the---OH HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!! HE's RIPPING MY INSIDES OUT!!!!  
Shingo: Uh....  
Taylor: This is mildly disturbing...you don't suppose...  
NES: FORTHELOVEOFGOD, STOP GNAWING ON MY INTESTINES!!! AW MOOSE TESTICLES, CAST A SPELL OR SOMETHING YOU IDIOTS!!!!  
Shingo: Hey you're the one who likes chopping things up, go kill little bunny foo foo!  
Taylor: Are you out of your goddamned mind? Do you not realize what the hell that thing is? (NES is tossed past them in a bloody heap) If that wuss got maimed like a steak in the maw of Marlon Brando, what will it do to us?  
Shingo: So, what do you suggest we do?  
Taylor: The one thing one must do in any situation such as this...grab NES & run for the nearest church!  
Shingo: Damn it, I've got blood all over my wrists.  
  
(later at a church. NES is wrapped in bandages.)  
  
Shingo: The Omega Hare?  
Taylor: Yeah. In every RPG realm, there is a type of creature that is rare to find, but has great rewards for killing it. Only problem is that they have the ability to kill you just by beating an eyelash. Golden slimes, Tonberries...name it & I know of it.  
NES: Fine, but care to explain why you don't know about this hare?  
Shingo: We don't play online games for a reason.  
Taylor: Yeah, reasons like 'too *fucking expensive' or 'cheap gil stealing player killing assholes who ruin the experience'  Those are valid reasons.  
NES: So, can we kill it?  
Shingo: Yeah...provided we're going to require some help...sacrificial lambs if you will. Guys who are stupid enough to try to weaken this thing up for us in order to save our own asses.  
  
(At this point Dazz & Lex walk in.)  
  
Shingo: They will do nicely.

(A few rounds of mead later...)  
  
Lex: Since when was mead served in a church?  
Shingo: You're asking like you care.  
Lex: I don't. Just odd, is all. Anyway, what do you guys need us for?  
Shingo: We need you to help us slay a beast before we raid a castle.  
Dazz: Oh really? What kind of beast are we talking about here?  
  
(Later, in the forest...)  
  
Dazz: THAT? You guys got beaten by that?  
Shingo: Actually, NES was the one who was mauled, rended & completely dominated by the hare. We just picked his whining carcass up & ran like cowards.  
NES: I was not whining! Well, I would have, had my tear ducts not been scratched out.  
Dazz: Well, you first, Lex!  
Lex: Why the hell do I have to go first?!  
Taylor: Because you're too drunk to say no.  
Lex: Yes I am...damn it all!!  
  
(Lex raises his ax & dashes at the rabbit. It sidesteps & headbutts him, sending him sailing into a tree head first.)  
  
Dazz: Oh crap...my turn right.  
Taylor: Yeah. Go on.  
Dazz: Very well....RARRGGHHHH!!!  
  
(Dazz charges, sword drawn. The rabbit leaps up & wallops him with his tail, knocking him into the sky & off into the distance.)  
  
Shingo: Oh crap...so much for plan B.  
NES: Leave it to me. I have in my possession...THE HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH!!!!! (Pulls out grenade) Who's laughing now, damned lepus?  
  
(The grenade disappears. A Judge riding a chocobo comes along & hands NES a red card)  
  
Judge: RIGHT! Off to the pen with you, ya kiniver!  
NES: What the hell?!   
Judge: No outside weapons are allowed in our servers! You know the rules, mate!  
NES: BULL!!!! That rabbit's dynamite!  
Taylor: I'll take this. (NES' World Pass is taken as NES is escorted off to the jailhouse)  
Shingo: So, what do we do?  
Taylor: I must harken back to my days of training at the WuTai Dojo.  
  
_And so, Taylor went deep in thought as he remembered his time training at his wife's dojo with her father, Godo, master of Kisaragi Ninjitsu_  
  
Godo: All right son, here's what you must do when faced with the uber enemy in the wilds of RPG lands. Pay attention!  
Taylor: Right.  
Godo: First, turn away with your back to your enemy like so. Then in a rapid motion...put you right foot in front of you, followed by your left & repeat, until at such time when you are a safe distance away from the foe.  
Taylor: ...that it?  
Godo: Yes.  
  
(Taylor bashes Godo's skull in with a cat statue)  
  
Taylor: WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO YOU OLD BASTARD?!!!!!  
  
(Back to the present.)  
  
Taylor: So, what are the odds that we can actually kill this thing?  
Shingo: Lets see...with my current hunting abilities & your rough & tumble samurai skills...we are rabbit kibble.  
Taylor: What do you know? The geezer's advice does fit in this situation. RUN!!!!  
  
(Back in town)  
  
Shingo: This is humiliating. You realize that? We ran away from a rabbit! (A warrior walks by.)  
Warrior: Don't tell me you two were fool enough to fight the Omega Hare?  
Taylor: No...we actually ran for our lives after our comrades were creamed & the ass monkey that got us here got hauled off to the slammer.  
Warrior: Good. See that building?  
Taylor: You mean the one brimming with the bodies of mangled adventurers which has moans of anguish, torment & pain emanating from the hallways?  
Warrior: Yeah.  
Taylor: No, I don't see it.  
Warrior: It's to the right of the whorehouse.  
Taylor: Oh, there it is.  
Warrior: Anyway, all of those men were beaten by that hare. None dare enter it's domain. I mean, c'mon, it's so damn cute, no one takes it seriously.  
Taylor: You've just given me an idea!!  
Shingo: We're gonna find out how a whorehouse got into this place?  
Taylor: No...I know just the girl who can stop that damn bunny. C'mon, I got a call to make!

(Back in the forest. Taylor & Shingo are waling along with their companion singing)  
  
Shingo: I have just one question...  
Taylor: If it's 'Why did I pick her?' I'll kill you.  
Excel: [singing] Obliterate! Eliminate! Lord Ilpallatzo told me so! Genocide! Manga artist-cide! And an order of homicide to go!  
Taylor: We're not killing the manga artist...again.   
Shingo: Yeah, that was a bad idea.  
Excel: Just what are we doing here? And for that matter, why are so so goddamned big and why are you trying to look your best like Toshiro Mifune & I look like a catgirl trapped in a weird world like dot hack only with no real plot and interesting characters and---(her rapid fire dialouge goes on like this for several minutes.)  
Shingo: STOP!!! Slow down!  
Excel: Sorry...  
Shingo: This will be as disturbing as episode 26.  
Taylor: What happened?  
Shingo: You're not up to that one yet?  
Taylor: I have the first 3 dvds. Sue me. Ah, there it is.  
  
(Taylor points to the Omega Hare, which bounce along.)  
  
Excel: Awww....  
Shingo: Are you sure...  
Taylor: Just. Watch.  
Excel: How cute...(the bunny looks at her, wide eyed.) How cute but...  
  
(Excel karate chops the Omega Hare right in the head.)  
  
Excel: **WHO THE HELL CARES?!!!!**  
Shingo: She...beat it.   
Taylor: Yeah...lets go looting!   
Excel: YEAH!!! Loot-ING!! Robbing! Pilaging for Ilpalazzo!!!  
  
(The three walk away. A couple of warriors, including the one from the village, come across the rabbit)  
  
Warrior: At last, we found you!  
Archer: This is for my friends, you lopped earred bastard!!! (Kicks dust in it's face. A ninja pokes at it with a stick.)  
Ninja: Is it dead?  
Omega Hare: (Duke Golgo like voice) Taste Divine Retribution!!! (A giant boulder lands on them all.)  
  
(At the tower. Taylor, Shingo & Excel load up on gil & assorted treasures in a wagon pulled by chocobos. A few guards sit, all either stabbed, pummeled or with arrows in their groins.)  
  
Taylor: So what have we learned from all this?  
Excel: Online RPGs bring out the most violent & virile behavior in mankind & must be monitored at all times! Also a man's pride does not let him run away from man eating rodents with cottontails!  
Shingo: I've learned that when all else fails, an arrow to a man's groin will solve many a dilemma.  
Iori: I LEARNED I HATE KYO EVEN MORE SO THAN BEFORE!!!!  
Taylor: What are you doing here? _  
Iori: I'm bored. And Ragnarok is down.  
Taylor: I learned that if no one is paying attention, you can get away with anything in a message board. See? (Gives out pictures of Palidor in a bikini.)  
Shingo: She's gonna kill you if you don't give up half your profits from those bikini photos.  
Taylor: I know. Anyway, where do you suppose Dazz landed?  
Shingo: No clue.  
  
(Square Enix offices. A programmer is sitting at a computer, typing in code & designing a squirrel.  
  
Programmer:  (singing) Writing code, making bunnies! Sending out rabbit to kill geek scum! Lucky otaku kill master rabbit, send out squirrel to purge them all!  
  
(Dazz walks up behind the programmer, sword in hand.)  
  
Dazz: Payback time!  
Programmer: Huh? (Turns around.) MASAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

  
  
                                                                  **Episode 2-A**  
  
                                            The Rabbit From Ganymede & Other Fallacies  
  
                                                                                                        ..... Today's Experiment.....Failed

Epilouge:  
  
(Taylor, Shingo & Excel are sitting at a table. Taylor is back in his Nabeshin getup, eating some ramen, as Shingo loos at Excel devouring what's left of the hens.)  
  
Shingo: You don't eat enough, do you?  
Excel: No, not on my paycheck. So, do you think our continuous looting of Vana'diel's worlds had any significant consequences?  
Taylor: Not as bad as that....Watches various Square Enix programmers run away from Dazz, Lex & a horde of angry chocobos.)  
  
_Elegy for Otaku...now that was a success_

  
  
Shingo: Say...I just remembered something. In between the looting, fighting & blatant ripping off of Excel Saga, we never did bail NES out of jail.  
Taylor: Uh oh...  
  
(Nighttime. NES is running for his life, spoon in hand, next to Pedro, who is handcuffed to Cloud.)  
  
NES: Onwards, my fellow friends! TO GLORY!!!  
Pedro: NOOOOOO!!!!  
Cloud: Oh hush! You didn't have to put up with Sephiroth's whining!


	4. True Crime: Theft in The Streets of VGV

(A car is shown driving down a highway strip. Inside at the wheel is Sakura, along with May & Ibuki, who are all talking.)  
  
Sakura: Ah, welcome once again gamers. We all have been summoned to the Video Game Void City, or VGV City, to stop a rather serious threat.  
Ibuki: Don't tell me they ran out of beer & Lex is on one of his berserk rampages again.  
May: Or worse...Like a new J. Lo movie being released.  
Sakura: No, the situation is more dire. (Sees Clark & Ralf on the road.) Hey, you guys need a lift?  
Clark: No, we're fine.  
Ralf: We're on our way to our own fic. Say, wanna buy a t-shirt? (Holds up a IPA shirt.)  
May: Meh, why not? And what is the title of this story anyway?  
Ralf: Unfortunately, since we have to add a celebrity cameo every now & then, allow him to tell you all about it. (Points to Bobby Brown.)  
B.Brown: Yo yo yo, this phat story is called 'True Crime: Theft in the Streets of VGV' man. And pick up my greatest hits, alright? (Balrog & Dudley walk in, a Judge on a Chocobo accompanying them.)  
Balrog: There he is.  
B. Brown: What's this?  
Dudley: Dear sir, you are ordered to turn in your negro card! C'mon, let's have it!  
B. Brown: WHAT?!! WHY!!!  
Dudley: Reviewing your record, we have cited that you have been known to, as Balrog would say, 'act a fool' for more than 10 years. You've lost your privileges.  
B. Brown: That's bull! What about 50 Cent? Or that damn Will Smith?  
Balrog: 5o is just a dumbass & Smith's too damn nice! Look, we took away OJ's card, your name was next, fork it over.  
B. Brown: Please! OJ hasn't been black since he won the damn Heisman! (Hands over his card)   
Judge: Who do we go after next?  
Balrog: Uh....Condelezza Rice, Colin Powell, Suge Knight, The Wayans Bros. & Eminem.  
Dudley: Why isn't Michael Jackson on the list?  
Balrog: We traded him for Eminem & Tiger Woods, remember?  
Dudley: Damn!  
Balrog: It's not too late. We can still get Latoya for that psychic phone line & Playboy fiasco.  
Dudley: Right. Let's go then!

(The trio arrive at the VGV Police Station. All the cops are at a fever pitch, while various perps are lined up in handcuffs at the walls)  
  
May: Wow. This is worse than we thought.  
Sakura: I'll say. I never seen so many handcuffed men since that sex scandal involving Benimaru, Vega, Eagle & some discerning eunuchs.  
Ibuki: Eww. I remember. Rams were involved. (The chief approaches them)  
Chief: About damn time you showed up! I was actually about to get off of my duff & do some work of my own.   
Sakura: We had a little pit stop for pie, sue us.  
Chief: Pie? The city is in a middle of a war & you stop for PIE?!  
Ibuki: C'mon, who wouldn't want pie? Next thing you know, you'll say you wanna outlaw kittens from the city!  
Chief: But PIE?  
Officer: You gotta admit, chief, it is a valid reason.  
Criminal: I'd eat some pie right now...if I wasn't already facing 20 years for bank robbery.  
Sakura: What's going on here anyway?  
Chief: Well, it's tough to describe. So here's the simple explanation. Ever since the announcement of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, the hype has been at an all time high. Since the youth of this city is so impatient, and apparently since adults here are extremely out of touch with right & wrong, crime has increased. We need you to stop it & find out exactly who's been influencing these people!  
Sakura: Shouldn't you send a detective on this situation?  
Chief: We have one, but, well...see for yourself. (Turns on TV. Inspector Gadget is handcuffing a pair of elderly people amid a burning pile of rubble.) All that used to be the restaurant district.  
May: He caught the wrong people again?  
Chief: No, they are as guilty as sin...it's just that ever since Dr. Light gave him a Mega Buster, liability claims & property damage has quadrupled. We do have a backup detective, but I feel safer with you three.  
May: Why us?  
Chief: My backup detective is Mihoshi.  
Sakura: Let's go. Now.

(The 3 girls enter the parking lot of the police headquarters, picking a crusier.)  
  
May: So, what should we do first?  
Sakura: It might be a good idea to cruise around & help stop some crimes. We might be able to find a few clues.  
Ibuki: Well, it's a start but...(Points outside. The city is filled with the sounds of gunfire, screams & explosions)  
Sakura: We may need some help.  
May: No problem. The May Lee Justice Squad are nearby. I'll give 'em a ring.  
  
(A small suburban area nearby. A truck is in the streets. Amelia is on the roof of the truck with some binoculars while Joe stands at the bumber, checking the tires. Taylor is at the front seat, monitoring the radio.)  
  
Amelia: No doubt about it, drug runners are inside. Let's get inside & bust some heads!  
Joe: Ok Taylor, do your thing.  
Taylor: I think that would be extraordinarily unwise, especially since we are in a suburban area.  
Amelia: What do you mean?  
Taylor: Well, let me show you. (Steps out of car.) Ok, nothing, right? Watch. (Pulls out a small gun. A few sirens suddenly blare.)  
Voice: ALERT!!! ALERT!!! BLACK MAN ARMED WITH A GUN!!! CONTACT YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITIES!!!  
  
(Windows are suddenly barricaded as men with rifles n their arms quickly swarm around the truck.)  
  
Taylor: See?  
Amelia: Everyone relax! We are police officers, see? (Everyone holds up their badges)  
Taylor: That was a record. So, Amelia, you want to do the honors?  
Amelia: Sure...RAH TILT!!!!!  
  
(The house explodes. All the drug dealers are knocked senseless.)  
  
Amelia: Piece of cake! (Pager goes off.) Uh oh.  
Taylor: We got work kids!  
Joe: HENSHIN A GO-GO BABY!!!!  
Taylor: Dude, you need a new one liner!

(In the front of the police station, Sakura, May & Ibuki wait.)  
  
May: What's taking them so long?  
Sakura: They said they were taking the highway. And given that an APB was just issued on that area for a terrorist attack...(The MLJS run up to the police station, with Taylor dragging a couple of armed goons with masks) So, you all had fun?  
Joe: If, by fun, you mean watching him break all sorts of laws involving the proper use of firearms, then yeah?  
Ibuki: Strange...I heard that there were at least 12 terrorists.  
Taylor: There were.  
Ibuki: ...you know, on second thought, don't even tell me what happened to the other ones. And where is your car?  
Amelia: Being hosed down.  
May: O-kayyyyy.   
Sakura: Here's the mission. May, Ibuki & I are gonna cruise around uptown & get to the bottom of this mess. You guys will have to take care of the downtown area.  
May: And this time, try to dispense as little of the 'lethal justice' as possible.  
Taylor; But it saves on paperwork.  
Sakura: Valid point, but we're not crazy renegade cops enforcing the law with our own set of rules.  
Joe: I've just been informed that marshal law has now been declared.  
Taylor: NOW we are.  
May: ...oh boy.  
Sakura: Oh yeah, you'll be getting one more person to work with. C'mon girls, let's go!  
  
(The three heroes drive off.)  
  
Amelia: So...what now...(Inspector Gadget walks by.)  
Gadget: You must be the guys I'm looking for.  
Joe: Oh Lord...please not him....  
Gadget: I need you to do me a favor. I need to go up to the airport & resolve a standoff. Can you look after my niece for me?  
Amelia: Sure!  
Gadget: Thanks! (Puts on negotiator hat) See you later!  
  
(As Gadget flies off, Penny walks in.)  
  
Penny: FINALLY!!!   
Joe: I don't feel right about this...I mean, are you even qualified for this job?  
Taylor: She works for me sometimes. Plus it's in her contract.  
Joe: Contract?  
Penny: Yup!  
Joe: Let me see...'All characters appearing in any Taylor sponsored or written fan fiction will require at least two (2) story appearances. In addition, the undersigned, Penny Gadget, gets to spend her days and nights with Duo Maxwell'....  
Penny: Plus I have ninja training under 'skills' clause.  
Shingo: Why are you lusting after Duo Maxwell...and more importantly, what am I doing here?  
Amelia: Looting, apparently. Put em up!  
Shingo: Damn...(Is handcuffed)

(On the streets, the girls look around.)  
  
Sakura: Ok, we need a good lead. Where do you think we should start? The docks? Warehouse district? Local bars?  
May: I think that's a little too obvious. and stereotypical.   
Ibuki: Oh no? Look over there? (Ibuki points out a suspicious, sunglasses wearing man, clad in a Rockstar black jacket. He enters a bar)  
May: Hmm, I've seen that guy before. Let's check that place out.  
Sakura: But we're not old enough to go in there.  
Ibuki: We're also not old enough to enter the services of law enforcement, but here we are.  
  
(The trio enter inside the bar. The man in question is sitting at a table by his lone self, drinking a glass of whiskey. Various men sit about, talking.)  
  
May: He's right there. Let's get some answer out of him.  
Sakura: Something about this just doesn't seem right...  
Ibuki: Yeah..feels like some elaborate way to just set us up for a violent confrontation by the fates themselves.  
  
(At that point, a bandana wearing thug emerges from the bathroom, coughing)  
  
Thug: Aw man dawg, I ain't EVER seeing that shit again!  
Bartender: See? I told you, nothing good ever comes out of seeing 'New York Minute'!  
Thug: I know I know! But Van Helsing, man that narrative was whack! All that special effects & that Sommers sucka STILL manages to create a whack story that has no cohesion, no reason to care for the main character other than because he's a bad ass & a story that was rushed at key parts! I mean, C'mon, what's my man Frankenstein doin' in this movie? It sure ain't looking pretty!  
Bartender: Yes, it was readily apparent during the scenes he was interacting with Van Helsing. And really, that back story with Van Helsing was just plain stupid! I think perhaps Sommers was playing Castlevania & said to himself 'you know, this could make a kickass movie'  
Thug: Castlevania could, if given to the correct director, and with the proper screenplay, actors & direction...oh shit!!! 5-0!!!!! (dives out of window)  
Bartender: Here we go again! First Nick Kang, now Charlie's Asian Barely Legal Angels...(ducks as various men all pull out guns)  
Ibuki: Oh damn...  
Sakura: Get down!!! (Sakura ducks down behind table as a hail of bullets fill the place. She draws out two of her own guns & takes down a few foes.)  
Ibuki: Since when do you pack heat?  
Sakura: Since doing a full blown Hadoken was outlawed!  
May: Ibuki, he's trying to get away!  
Ibuki: Leave this mess to me.   
  
(Ibuki leaps into the air. Five seconds later, any thug carrying a gun, knife, or illegal bunny is impaled by a slew of kunai daggers. The lone man in the jacket is still alive)  
  
May: Er...overkill much?  
Ibuki: They were gonna shoot us! There wasn't any other choice.  
Vash: There's always another choice!!!  
Sakura: What is it with the random guest stars?!  
Vash: Sorry, I was just looking for the donut shop but--- (a loud explosion is heard.) You see?  
Sakura: Sadly, yes.

(Sakura lifts the mysterious man by the lapel of his jacket)  
  
Sakura: Alright, thug wannabe. Start talking & maybe you'll get a reduced sentence.  
Man: I know nothing cop! I've got my rights damn it!  
Ibuki: I'd say otherwise. You seem to be carrying an illegal firearm, which is enough for us to ask questions!  
May: So, care to tell us who is behind the crime spree?  
Man: HA!!! I am a thug of unwavering loyalty! Even if all my fingernails are ripped from my hands, I will never talk!  
May: In that case...I'll have to kill you. (Cracks her knuckles)  
Man: TheleaderisthepresidentofRoclstargames!Hehasahideoutintheindustrialarea---  
May: See. That wasn't too hard!  
Sakura: I wonder how the others are doing...  
  
(Elsewhere, The MLJS duck behind a car as they are being fired upon from a rooftop)  
  
Penny: Well, this is a first for me personally. How about you?  
Amelia: I've dealt with worse.   
Joe: Well, any bright ideas?  
Amelia I still think reasoning is the best solution.  
Taylor: I wish! (peeks out, megaphone still in hand) C'mon pal, let's be reasonable. Bow, I completely understand your situation. You're a hard working employee & you've given your bosses nothing but the utmost respect...but holding the kids hostage & filling that building full of lead is no way ti get yourself a box of Trix!   
Trix Rabbit Listen to me damnit!!! I just wanted to go to the store & buy the cereal, but these little bastards came out of nowhere, blindsided me, took my cereal AND my wallet & gave me the finger! I'VE HAD ENOUGH DAMNIT!!! (fires wildly into the air) Who's laughing now kids?! HUH?!!!  
Taylor: Man...this was worse than the time the Lucky Charms Leprechaun got drunk & beat up hose barkeeps with a pair of Guinness bottles.  
Penny: Say, you're a superhero, right? Can't you slow down time & get that gun away from him?  
Joe: Yeah...I'll need a boost though.  
Penny: Leave it to me.   
  
(Penny grabs Joe & tosses him towards the roof)  
  
Trix Rabbit: HOLY SHIT!! (Fires wildly. Joe activates his Slow VFX to punch away the bullets, knocking them away & knocking the gun out of the Rabbit's hands. Time returns to normal as he lands on the roof.)  
Joe: OK buddy, it's all over!   
Penny: Hey, that rabbit wasn't kidding! This kids got his wallet on him!  
Amelia: How shameful! What did that rabbit ever do to you?  
Kid: He was born!  
  
(Penny smacks the kid on the head with a nightstick)  
  
Taylor: Isn't that a little excessive?  
Penny: Given the situation, he had it coming!  
Taylor: Sure, but we are the law. We have to maintain a degree of restraint.  
Kid: Bite me, you big toothed (racial expletive)  
Taylor: Amelia, Joe, hold his arms.  
Amelia: Sure.  
Joe: Fire away.  
  
(The kid is held down as Taylor punches & kicks him unmercifully)

(In the Industrial area)  
  
Sakura: GAH!! The stench! The color! How foul!  
Ibuki: HEY! Chalupas are highly underrated as a snack food!  
May: We have more pressing concern. The thug said that the RS CEO was holed up in one of these abandoned factories. Let's narrow it down.  
Sakura: I will wager a guess & say that one.  
May: What gave it away?  
Sakura: Um, the thugs all standing about nonchalantly, the huge Rockstar Games logo on the windows, the helicopters...  
May: Oh, of course.  
  
(The three approach the back door.)  
  
Thug1: GIRLS!!! Let's do unneeded sexual things with them  
Thug2: BAKA!!! (Knocks out Thug1) We are not some depraved hentai animator or webmaster!   
Thug3: Right! Ladies, he honorably request you engage in battle with us before you take us on!  
May: Sure.   
  
(10 minutes later...May dumps what is left of her last victim into the nearby dumpster.)  
  
May: I'd have given him a more honorable burial, but open caskets are just not available.  
Sakura: No, indeed not. Now let's get down to business!  
  
(After 50 intense minutes of intense gunplay, drama, HK style action & the revelation that the relationship between Sakura & Kei is more than 'friendly'...)  
  
Sakura: Watch it!  
  
(Our heroes arrive at the office of the head man himself, who is accompanied by his stooge, Tommy Vercetti.)  
  
Tommy: I am NOT a stooge!  
Sakura: No...just a borderline racist!  
Tommy: GEEZ!!! One stupid comment about a gang & everyone's on my ass!!!  
May: Explain yourself! Why have you caused so much rioting?!  
CEO: Ah, you have stumbled onto our master plan, huh? I must admit you're smarter than most so called detectives. They'd just barge in here & fill the place with bullets first.  
May: Yeah, well, Sakura's M16 overheated.  
CEO: The thing is, as a company, Rockstar Games excels in two things: making violent & controversial games and baking Walnut Cherry Waffle Sticks. Unfortunately, someone sole our secret recipe, so we stuck with violent games. Then, we realized something: That's all we know. We hardly do racing games anymore, since Need For Speed Underground & Project Gotham killed our Midnight Club, so we've done games like Max Payne & GTA.  
Sakura: So, why the rioting?  
CEO: Gamers will eventually catch on to the fact that we are, essentially, a one trick pony. I mean, come on, Manhunt was just GTA with stealth mode & a kill system that got old. And I'm fairly certain that Tenchu beats it in pure badassness anyway....  
  
(Carcer City. James Earl Cash is stalking about.)  
  
James: Is there anyone more of a sneaky, unmerciful, pure badass killer than me?  
  
(Rikimaru's ninja blade in impaled through James' skull. It is removed in a sea of blood as Rikimaru twists James' head, snapping his neck & completing the job)  
  
Rikimaru: Why did you have me kill this joker? (Ryu Hayabusa, flicking blood away, steps into the light)  
Hayabusa: It builds character.

(Back to the action)  
  
CEO: I mean come on, just look at that game, it is full of disturbing material. Name one other game than gives you more terror than being hunted in this game?  
Sakura: Uh, let's see...Silent Hill 1, 2,3, Fatal Frame, Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem, The Suffering....  
CEO: Oh, right...well, we had an idea. We included subliminal messages in the programming code of GTA: Vice City. The players become slightly aggressive as we slowly leaked out more & more news about the next GTA game. Then, at the fever pitch, we activated a signal that will cause people to riot & freak out. Potential customers become curious as to why the others flip out & buy the next game en masse!  
Sakura: Wow...  
Ibuki: That's possibly one of the most hackneyed plans ever conceived.  
CEO: Hey, we don't exactly have originality anymore. Cut us some slack.  
May: In any case, you're clearly unforgivable. Surrender & maybe you'll get off with a fair warning & a license to do GBA platformers.  
CEO: Yeah, you see, I have a different alternative. Tommy kill em!  
Tommy: Ah yeah, time for a bit of the ultra violence.  
  
(As Tommy raises his gun, The Punisher comes down & blasts his head off.)  
  
Punisher: Wait a minute...is this the home of Garth Ennis?  
Sakura: No...  
Punisher: DAMN! Sorry about that. (leaps off into the background)  
CEO: Oh crap! Guess I'll have to make due with what I have! GUARDS!!!   
  
(The room fills with guards wearing state of the art body armor & rifles. The girls duck behind a large desk as they open fire.)  
  
May: If anyone has a plan, now will be a pristine time to enable it!  
Sakura: Wait, call up the MLJS! I think I have an idea.

(The streets of VGV City. The MLJS is arresting a group of Hare Krishnas)  
  
Taylor: Damn, these welts are gonna sting.  
Joe: Yeah,I know. Who would have thought that Hare Krishnas knew Drunken Boxing?  
Amelia: What I want to know is why is there a 300 year old kung fu rivalry between the Hare Krishnas & the Amish?  
Penny: Oh, it's been documented in many sacred scrolls for years. (Signal goes off on her watch) Hey! May & tyhe gang is in trouble! They're over by the old industrial area.  
Amelia: Don't worry! I'll get us there in no time! (Casts Ray Wing & the group floats in the air.)  
Taylor: Perfect...but first, we need to make a quick pick up.)  
  
(Back to the factory. The girls duck as more bullets are fired their way.)  
  
May: This is bad, you know.  
Sakura: Don't worry. My calculated plan should be kicking in right about now... I just need for the both of you to move 5 inches to your right...  
Ibuki: My ninja senses are tingling.  
May: Why is it I have a feeling you made a phone call that entails that a very violent, bust justified action is about to befall the cronies of evil here?  
  
(In a few seconds, a series of large laser blasts rock the room, ripping apart all of the gunmen & setting off explosions all about the area. The carnage lasts for a minute. The girls look up & come across a grisly scene)  
  
Sakura: Well, that went over better than hoped.  
Ibuki: Look who's outside.  
  
(Ibuki points out to the MLJS, who is accompanied by Insp. Gadget & a very bewildered Mihoshi)  
  
Mihoshi: Oh, hi! Sorry about that! You see, I was asked to take this pulse blaster & fire up at all those mean men...but I forgot that I left the setting on full automatic burst. Oppsie.  
Gadget: I just forgot to disarm the 'fry all that oppose the will of God's Divine Justice' setting. This won't look bad on my report will it?  
Ibuki: I don't think this will dent it at all. So, that wraps up another installment gamers!  
Sakura: Not quite...there's one more bit of business...  
May: Oh yes...him.  
  
(Cut to a close up of the bloody face of the Rockstar CEO. He is literally shivering in fear as he frantically looks about. A few footsteps are heard...and then, only voices...)  
  
Gadget: Do you find me sadistic? You know, I bet I could fry an egg on your head right now, if I wanted to.  
Joe: Actually, it looks more like you can fry a steak on his head. Mmm, steak!  
Penny: Hush! Uncle's being menacing!  
Gadget: Now bucko, I'd like to believe that you're aware enough even now to know there's nothing sadistic in my actions. Well, maybe towards those other... jokers, but not you.   
Sakura: I didn't even know he was capable of sadism.  
Gadget: Oh really, ever see me sing in a karaoke bar?  
Sakura: Point taken  
Gadget: No Kiddo, at this moment, this is me at my most... ah screw it, I am being at my most sadistic! Eat it, beyotch!!!!  
CEO: Gadget...I funded that movie---  
  
(A gunshot blows off both of his eyes.)  
  
Joe: Wait a sec, how did one bullet take out both of his eyes?!  
Taylor: Splash damage...who wants a donut?  
Sakura: I call lemon!


	5. The Zombie Chronicles

Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Schoolgirl Fighters

Episode 5: The Zombie Chronicles

By Kairi Taylor

(A small, rather cramped apartment somewhere. Sakura, who is holding a 941 Jericho in her hands, is carefully scanning the area through a boarded up window. Behind her is Penny, who is carefully examining a large barb wire wrapped baseball bat. Taylor & Fat Dave are sitting nearby, both wielding a shovel & cricket bat respectively.)

Sakura: Oh, hello gamers! Normally, Ibuki would be here alongside me, but she has gone on a ninja sabbatical this week. And the May Lee Justice Squad, sans Mr. Taylor, were called away to the 'Big Ol' Even Tempered Anime Fest' in Japan. A totally awesome event, but he managed to get himself banned for the next 5 years.

Taylor: Look, for the last time, the guy was egging me on! There was no way I could be expected to control myself. And the way he made fun of some very nice cosplayers was unforgivable!

Dave: True, but you didn't have to punch him in the groin 1000 times, stuff pocky in his ears & thrash him within an inch of his life with a replica mallet while screaming 'Die Adam Sessler, you emasculated anal retentive faux gamer!'

Sakura: In hindsight, you did manage to get invited to twice as many game conventions. But that's not the point.

Penny: Yes, sadly, we have managed to get ourselves mixed up in the most common of horror clichés.

Taylor: Uh, none of us has had sex yet.

Penny: Not that. I mean the zombie outbreak.

Dave: Yup. Seems like we can't go a year without the minimum amount of zombie related violence.

Sakura: I blame George Romero. Make one movie that's really a bit of commentary on human nature, all of a sudden the undead become in vogue. We need to haul ass out of here and stock up on weapons.

Penny: That's all well & good, but we need transportation. And preferably, someone who can drive without endangering our welfare.

Dave: Taylor, how do we get ourselves into these things?

Taylor: You're asking the wrong writer. The morning was bad enough to begin with…

(Earlier that day, in Dave's house. A nervous knock is heard at his door. Dave opens in to find a shivering mailman.)

Dave: Hey mate, do you have my---

Mailman: TAKE IT! AHHHH! (practically tosses a package at Dave's head & runs screaming into the night, er, day)

Dave: What's his problem…oh cool, new Fire Pro Wrestling for the PS2! (As Dave turns around, he sees Taylor behind him, a bloody shovel in hand.)

Taylor: Dave, we have a situation.

Dave: First how did you get in my house? And second, whatever you did, will I be named as an accomplice?

Taylor: Through the now broken window and no. Not this time. The whole city's being locked down, since there is a zombie outbreak. I thought you should know since you have evolved beyond the need to watch television.

Dave: I always knew this day would come. (Pulls out a cricket bat)

Taylor: What scares me is that we have been planning for this for a very long time.

Dave: Never hurts to be prepared, right? But did you have to break my window?

Taylor: I didn't break it, he did. (Points to zombie, who is shuffling towards them, arms outstretched.)

Dave: Bloody hell! You could have killed him, you know. (Swings hard, taking off the zombies head as a geyser of blood erupts from the bloody stump where the head was. A second later, it craps itself.)

Taylor: You know, the movies are a lot less messy.

Dave: Right, let's find Sakura. She'll know what to do.

Taylor: While we're at it, let me make a quick stop at the local internet café…

(Back to the present. Taylor holds a large stack of papers in his hands as the gang walks cautiously through the halls. )

Sakura: And the café was STILL open?

Penny: You haven't seen Counter Strike players have you?

Sakura: Point taken.

Penny: This list is The Official Zombie Survival Guide that was released a couple of years ago. We should be able to use it well.

Taylor: Yeah…well almost all of us.

Sakura: How so?

Dave: Let's be honest, one of us will die. And let's face it, we all know who that will be.

Sakura: Oh, totally. (All turn to New Edge Sonic)

N.E.: WHAT! Why me!

Penny: Well, duh, it can't be me!

Taylor: I've already been dead once. The paperwork involved is a real bitch & all, so you'll understand if I want to put it off for at least 100 years.

Dave: I make a living out of no-selling death.

Sakura: Which just leaves you I'm afraid. Chances are, we'll have to put you down the moment a zombie or two seeks it's teeth into your dirty flesh.

N.E.: Oi…

Sakura: Do I have to pull out the pie charts!

(Three pie chars and a bar graph later…)

Sakura: See, I fall into the 'reluctant but resourceful female hero' column. Penny here is found in the 'young, but experienced hero' column, illustrated here. Taylor falls into the 'veteran with way too much knowledge' column & Dave is the 'complete bad ass so he can never die' column. You sadly fall into the 'cannon fodder' column, right under space marines, storm troopers, red shirts and Gungans.

N.E.: I dunno if I should be impressed or insulted at the revelation noted here.

Sakura: A little of both, perhaps. And the fact that you are fighting zombies with a tennis racket doesn't help.

N.E.: All the good blunt objects were taken.

Taylor: You passed on the rolling pin, not me.

Penny: Alright, let's stay calm. Keep your eyes open, head straight for the car, and whatever you do, don't panic.

(Penny opens the door. Outside is a scene that can be best described as what would happen if the makers of 'Shaun of the Dead' had a way bigger budget & Lucasarts effects. All over the city, soldiers, police & citizens are waging a gory battle with the undead. As the group looks on, a Judge on a Chocobo lances a zombie in the face. Nearby, a priest is flipping off walls & kicking zombie heads off.)

Taylor: Urge to panic rising.

Penny: Wow, Catholic Buddhist Fist is pretty amazing.

Sakura: You think that is impressive, you should check out Amish Taijutsu. C'mon, get in the car.

Dave: Look out! (A zombie dives at them from above.)

N.E.: Leave this to me! NEW EDGE TENNIS RACKET SENGOKU HEAD SMASH!

(N.E.S. swings…and manages to get the tennis racket lodged in the zombies ribcage.)

Zombie: Uh…ok?

N.E.: Damn! He's much stronger that I thought!

Zombie: No, see, you hit me in the ribs. The laws clearly state that for me to be taken down, you either destroy my brain or behead me. You managed to hit my ribs, which is a no-no. And you are using a tennis racket. Who are you, Jim Cornette?

N.E.: Well, excuse me, but you were jumping at me. It's kind of hard to get a clear head shot.

Zombie: No, it's not. 140 year old seamstresses with artificial hips could have hit me.

Sakura: Will you please stop dicking around! (Shoots zombie's head off.) We have to get going. Start the car.

Penny: I'm driving!

Taylor: Do you have a license young lady?

Penny: I drive the Gadgetmobile regularly.

Taylor: Not good enough. I'll drive.

Penny: Hey! Burnout does not count as experience! And you don't even have a license yourself! What makes you think you can drive any better than me?

(35 minutes later, the gang arrives at the local K-Mart. The car is a blood soaked, entrail & limb covered mass of smoking metal.)

Dave: Wow.

Sakura: I guess Burnout really can teach you how to drive.

Penny: Sure, let's gloss over the fact that he may have committed 89 counts of vehicular homicide.

Taylor: Look, for the last time, I am 89 **CERTAIN** I killed only zombies.

Dave: Right, we're here. But why K-Mart?

Sakura: Wal-Mart's policy is pretty clear cut when it comes to zombie outbreak…

Penny: Yup. Never thought any corporate manifesto would have the words 'piss off, paupers' written in there.

N.E. :Well, we ain't the only ones who decided to pay a visit. (Points to a whistling Wesker, pushing a shopping cart.)

Wesker: Ah, great, you guys! First the whole 'shoot Wesker on sight' business & now you maniacs! Look, for the last time, this was not my fault! I deal in parasites now!

Sakura: Actually, we are just here to stock up on weapons.

Penny: Dibs on chainsaw!

Taylor: Damn! I concede to your superb mastery of calling dibs for now.

Wesker: Ah, I see…the 'piss off policy' right?

Sakura: Bingo!

Wesker: Yeah, well you better hurry. You guys are the heroes of this tale, right?

Sakura: Totally, except for Zombie Chow here.

N.E.: Oh, c'mon!

Taylor: You're just lucky we didn't stick you with the nickname 'Mongoose' or 'Kenny'.

Wesker: In either case, since you are the heroes, there is a good chance that every available zombie will be following you here.

N.E.: That's just an exaggeration.

Sakura: Don't look now but…

(Sakura points out to the city streets. Every block is teeming with the undead, headed straight towards the K-Mart.)

Taylor: Oh crud.

Penny: A suggestion.

Sakura: Does that suggestion involve us running for cover inside that building, barricading every door & preparing to fight it out to the bitter end until someone comes up with a foolish escape plan?

Penny: Yes.

Sakura: Lead the way, sister.

(The whole lot of them, including Wesker, run like hell into K-Mart and begin top set up a barracade.)

Wesker: Ok, that doesn't make sense. Some of these guys are running! Zombies don't run!

Dave: You never know, zombies could possibly get all sorts benefits from the mutation.

Wesker: True, but their leg muscles are atrophied to the point where running would actually be a hindrance.

N.E.: I found something that might interest you!

Wesker: If it's NeoPets porn, I swear to God…

N.E.: No, it's this! (pulls out a cowering Uwe Boll.)

Uwe: Uhhhh….

Taylor: GET THE BRAIN!

(Taylor leaps in and swings, smacking Uwe upside the head with the shovel. As he falls to the ground, Taylor swings a few more times.)

Wesker: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease up kid, he's not a zombie.

Taylor: I know. (takes out wallet & extracts 8 dollars.)

Sakura: Why are you doing that?

Taylor: I saw House of The Dead and watched as over an hour of my life & quite possibly a small portion of my dignity was taken away. I want a refund.

Penny: But you saw it a year later…for free…on Showtime.

Taylor: And?

Penny: Never mind. Ok, Boll, what are you doing here? And where's my 8?

Uwe: No reason. Please ignore anything important I may be carrying in my briefcase, for it does not pertain to…

Sakura: Excuse us if we feel the need to believe otherwise. Boys…

Taylor: Hey, dude carrying around the Necronomicron!

Penny: Oh God, not that old thing!

Wesker: Well, that would explain this. (Points over to the TV. A news reporter at the local station is spitting green bile and strangling her co-anchor.)

Newcaster: I'll swallow your soul, pitiful half man!

Victim: How did you know about the tractor incident! I TOLD NO ONE!

Sakura: At least we know why the zombies are coming out.

Penny: So, all we have to do is kill the undead, escape from K Mart & cast the counter spell to undo all the damage. Doesn't sound too hard.

Dave: Uh, the zombies are starting to break down the door at the south.

Penny: Scratch that. We need a distraction.

Taylor: Hmmm…distraction you say…(Looks at N.E. Sonic & Uwe.)

N.E.: I know what you are thinking.

Taylor: Pray tell, what am I thinking?

N.E.: You are debating whether to throw one of us to the zombies and while they tear away at our bloody nutrient filled flesh, you'll come up with a better plan.

Taylor: Actually, I was gonna suggest that we send you guys to the beer section, stock up on all the bottled beer & use them as Molotov bombs to solve our immediate dilemma…but that plan sounds even better.

Dave: I concur, since I have…plans…for that beer.

Taylor: Decisions, decisions…who do I send…

(A small menu box appears nest to them that reads-

New Edge Sonic

Uwe Boll

Both of them!

And Taylor pauses to think)

Sakura: Wow, never noticed that before.

(A few minutes later, a helicopter is hovering overhead.)

Pilot: Well, that's not something we see everyday.

Cameraman: What?

Pilot: Look over on the roof. (Points to the roof, where Sakura and Penny are tossing a bound and gagged Uwe Boll to the zombies. Strapped around him are various meats and sausages.)

Cameraman: Damn…waste of a good kielbasa.

(Back at the K Mart, the gang is fighting off another horde of zombies.)

Penny: (reving up chainsaw) Well, this certainly beats being bound and gagged every few episodes. (proceeds to decapitate and disembowel every zombie she sees on sight as Taylor, Wesker & Dave all pull out their rifles and fire.)

Sakura: I agree…we need an escape plan though and a safe place to cast the counter spell

Dave: Where'd New Edge go? He was supposed to be our cover fire!

(N.E. drives a lawnmower over some zombies at he lashes out at them with a rat flail.)

Taylor: I refuse to make a Mexicools joke on the grounds that I don't wanna get flamed or branded a racist.

N.E.: C'mon, at least one crack about Super Crazy!

Taylor: DON'T BE HATIN' ON SUPER CRAZY!

Sakura: I've got it! Taylor, cast a fire spell! We'll escape in the confusion!

Dave: Uh…

Taylor: Yeah, see, I only know of two fire spells.

Sakura: That's good.

Dave: No, with him, that's bad. Aside from bad control over fire spells, the spells he knows are a bit problematic.

Taylor: I know the basic fire spell, but it can only cover a certain area. And the other spell…you don't want me casting the other spell.

Penny: How bad could it be?

Taylor: Do the words 'Meteor, Level 10' mean anything to you?

Wesker: I have a suggestion.

(Later, in the sewers.)

Wesker: That was easy.

Sakura: I suppose…although don't you think pouring 45 cases of gasoline all over the floor & having a fire spell cast be a bit on the 'reckless' side?

Wesker: Can't make a omelet without breaking some eggs…and then horribly scorching them beyond recognition.

Dave: Hold up. The sewer line branches out over here. Both of them will lead to the city library, but we have no idea which path is safer.

Penny: We'll have to split up. Me and Sakura will take the left fork, you guys go right.

Taylor: Sounds fair.

Wesker: No, it sounds like something out of a Scooby Doo episode. You know what's gonna happen.

Taylor: Fred and Daphne make out, Shaggy & Scooby smoke pot & Velma laments the lack of lesbian sex she's had as of late?

Wesker: Is that all you see when you think of Scooby Doo?

Dave: Yeah, pretty much.

Taylor: ESPECIALLY the lesbian part.

N.E.: …let's just go.

(An hour later, in the library. Sakura & Penny finish casting the counter spell.)

Sakura: And with that, the zombie horde has been repelled! I have to say I am surprised at your extensive knowledge of the magical arts.

Penny: Yeah, well I studied Wicca in junior high.

Sakura: Oh really?

Penny: HEY! It's a stereotype. I happen to like boys, right Duo baby? (Duo Maxwell hops in, bound with chains around the ankles)

Duo: Note to self, break every bone in Heero's body. With a very heavy rusty pipe.

(At this point, Taylor & Dave walk in, carrying a few bottles of Guiness.)

Sakura: Where were you guys? And what happened with Wesker and New Edge.

Taylor: We lost both of them on the path we took.

Dave: Yeah funny story…we lost Wesker five minutes in.

Taylor: Ninjas. Don't ask how or why, ninjas just came in & owned him bad.

Sakura: And lemme guess, zombies did in New Edge.

Dave: Funny story that…see…

(45 minutes prior in the sewers…)

Taylor: Ever wonder why there are bridges or whirlpools in the sewers?

Dave: No, not really. I'm just trying to wrap around my head the fact the whirlpool in question seems to be a whirling mass of red & blue right now.

N.E.: Oh that…that's just a swirling vortex into some ungodly dimension.

Taylor: Wow, I always thought they would be bigger.

(It is at this point in time that a Cthulu appears before them.)

Cthulu: _**Behold mere mortals the end of your pitiful plane of existence! Know now that after I devour your flesh & your souls, I will run rampart over this planet, bringing the sweet release of death over your lands, take delight in plunging your lands into eternal darkness & feast upon…**_

Taylor: B.E., take him down.

(a Blue Eyes White Dragon hovers down & bites off Cthulu's head before incinerating the remains with a barrage of lightning blasts.)

N.E.: 00

Dave: Well that was pointless.

Taylor: Yeah, Cthulus are highly overrated don't you think?

N.E.: **WHEN DID YOU FIND THE TIME TO BRING THAT OUT!**

Taylor: Uh, two turns ago when I used Premature Burial to bring Wesker back & used Cost Down to sacrifice him for Blue Eyes. Of course, I had to sacrifice some of your life points to do it…

N.E.: THIS MAKES NO SENSE! And when did you use my life points to do anything?

(At this point another Cthulu appears.)

Cthulu: Hey, have you seen my brother? Bit tall, mass of tentacles around the face, always going on about…OH CRAP! Which one of you did this!

Taylor: Uh, me. Sorta. My dragon really did the handiwork.

Cthulu: That was my brother you killed.

Dave: Well he was threatening to kill all of us & plunge our realm into chaos, what were we expected to do?

Cthulu: Ever hear of a practical freaking JOKE? God, we just like messing with you mortals, we don't care about killing anyone. Stupid H.P. Lovecraft! Make one prank call & our entire race gets demonized for it.

Dave: Yeah, sorry about that.

Cthulu: I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for that damn Necronomicron. Now I'm stuck with having to enact the blood pact & kill all in the immediate vicinity, but seeing as how someone summoned a Blue Eyes White Dragon, this could be dicey…and I just HAD to leave my Buster Blader behind.

Dave: Look, there could be a better way to resolve this.

Cthulu: Oh sure. There's one way.

Taylor: Shoot.

Cthulu: One of you men must give himself unto me.

Dave: I'm not too into human sacrifice

Cthulu: _Sexually_.

B.E.W.D: Uh…I think we know where this is headed. (all look at New Edge)

N.E.: Why me?

B.E.W.D: I'm a girl, stupid.

Taylor: I told you, cannon fodder.

(Back to the present)

Sakura: So, instead of having a horrible, reality altering battle to the death, you gave a Cthulu New Edge so it can sexually violate him in return for a peaceful resolvement of aggression.

Dave: And some Guinness ale.

Taylor: Pretty much.

Penny: I don't see this tale ending any other way.

Sakura: Until next time gamers!

Duo: I've come up with a box that will keep your beer cold for many a day!

Dave: A cold box! BRILLIANT!


	6. Jump Superstars Fight Club

Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Fighting Schoolgirls

Episode 6: Jump Superstar Fight Club

By Kairi Taylor

(The scene is outside of Nintendo's R&D center somewhere in Japan. Sakura & Ibuki, in full fighting gear are on their way.)

Ibuki: And to this day, they still remain clueless about how the penguins got in his house.

Sakura: Wow, never a dull moment around Gen's place. Oh, hello there! We've been invited to take place in a bit of an exhibition.

Ibuki: Normally, Nintendo doesn't do a lot of fighting tourneys, but when they do, it is a very big deal. Hence the title of today's episode. Uh, what is it?

(Kevin Rian holds up a sign that reads 'Jump Superstars Fight Club.)

Brad Pitt: First rule of Jump Superstars Fight Club: you do not talk about Jump Superstars Fight Club!

Kevin: And what are you doing now?

Brad: Uh…discussing the first rule of Jump Superstar Fight Club.

Kevin: That is a no-no! You know what this means…

Yami Yugi: **PENALTY GAME! REVENGE OF THE JILTED LOVER!**

(Jennifer Aniston rushes in & beans Brad with a steel chair.)

Sakura: I thought your penalty games required use of the Millennium Puzzle.

Ibuki: Yeah…and weren't you sent off to your eternal rest after your other self beat you in that ceremony?

Yami Yugi: SHHHH! The young American fans do not get that part until the end of the summer.

Sakura: Oh well, let's see what Nintendo has in store for us.

(A short time later, the duo find themselves in a large lobby, at a booth manned by Bowser.)

Bowser: Yo! Welcome, lovely young Japanese schoolgirls to Nintendo's Annual Jump Fight Fiesta 2006! I'll be taking your registration forms today. Is this the first time you've been to a Nintendo fight tourney?

Sakura: Sort of. I applied to be a Smash Bros. last time, but Capcom decided my services were better off for Capcom only fights.

Bowser: Oh, how'd that work out.

Sakura: Capcom Fighting Evolution. Does that say enough?

Ibuki: More than the audience will ever know.

Sakura: How'd they get you to do the desk job?

Bowser: Ah, it was this or be the guy in charge of the salvage crew in War Worlds. Let me tell you something, that damn Olaf goes through more Mid Tanks than God ever intended a man to go through. And don't get me started on Eagle. If your specialty is in the air force & you're given the option to do a mission with naval forces, for the love of mana, LET THE NAVAL C.O. HANDLE IT! You should have seen all the wrecked battleships. You'd think it was the Titanic debacle repeated ad nauseum, only replace the icebergs with big friggin' cannons!

Ibuki: Yeesh…glad I just chose 'ninja' in 5th grade.

Bowser: Anyway, due to some incidents last time involving explosives and certain orifices (damn you Link), the company requests that you sign some waivers.

Sakura: Let's see…'not responsible for injuries sustained from bombs, spikes, arrows, red and/or green fireballs, Spinys, Bob-ombs, lasers, acid, lava, magic, giant mecha, devil fruit based powers, undead, ninjitsu, taijutsu, genjutsu, Orochi power, Rei based attacks, WMDs that turn out to belong to Iraq or anything that Jigglypuff does to you. And if you are getting your ass kicked by Jigglypuff, you are as lame as Sean.'

Sean: WHAT! Who wrote this crap?

(Dan walks away whistling as the two meet up with May, Viewtiful Joe & Penny.)

May: Hey, you guys got invited too?

Sakura: Yup, although mine was delivered by an Albatoss.

Ibuki: Really? Marth just galloped in on his steed and handed me mine before riding off into the sunset. Quite dreamy actually.

Penny: A Birdo spat an invitation wrapped around an egg into my window.

May: I got mine because of the Kakariko Fried Cuckoo contest Chang entered. That man loves his fried birds.

Joe: Mine was hand delivered by Princess Daisy…that's when Silvia walked in. She thought I was hitting on her and…well, you see the need for the eye patch, right?

May: This fight is different though. We'll have to tag out on the fly, and we need at least two other people to assist us in some way. It's part of the 'Koma' system.

Sakura: Wait, this isn't a Smash Bros. type of fight?

Joe: No. Most of the people showing up today are from anime or manga. (At this point, Jonouchi appears.)

Jonouchi: Hey, you guys seen Yugi?

May: Missed him by one scene.

Jonouchi: Damn. Anyway, you'll have to step over here, they're getting ready to assign the levels your main fighters will be.

Sakura: Righty-oh. Let us make a couple of calls first…

(Some time later, as Ibuki gets a drink, she meets up with Taylor, who's reading a book. Instead of the Nabeshin getup he usually has, he is wearing gray jeans and a black shirt. A bokken is at his side.)

Ibuki: Hey, you got an invite too?

Taylor: Yup! Nintendo had a big drawing for some of the fans to fight too. I lucked out & was one of the first few chosen. (Busterbeam walks in.)

Busterbeam: Well, it's official; I got regulated to Level 3 Koma status.

Taylor: Could have been worse. Level 1 ensures you don't even get to go out there.

Busterbeam: Yeah, but you get to be Level 5! How'd you manage that?

Taylor: I loves to fight, what can I say? Besides, our partner, who is running late, is WAY stronger then either of us.

Ibuki: Stronger?

Taylor: Level 7 to be precise.

(Back to Sakura, May & Penny.)

May: So, you're Level 4 & our partner, who oughta be here now, is Level 5.

Penny: Damn it, I thought I'd get Level 5 too!

May: I think calling the ranking machine a 'piece of Pentium 3 based crap' was the catalyst.

Sakura: So, who's your partner?

Penny: A ninja by the name of—

(Rock Lee suddenly drops in.)

Sakura: WHOA! ROCK LEE!

Rock: Finally, my prayers have been answered! WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME, I'M READY TO GO! (jabs a few times in the air.)

Penny: Settle down, we'll be there in a minute.

May: And whatever you do, don't overdo it. The last time you did, the paramedics fainted the minute they arrived on the scene.

Rock: Oh, yeah, I remember…Choi does heal fast though.

May: Choi yes. The 20 bones in his arms & his kidneys are another matter.

(A Judge on a Chocobo leads May & here group to the battleground, which is the Forest of Death from Naruto.)

Rock: Hmm, it's this place again. 2nd time I've been here.

Penny: Really? I thought you only went here once.

Rock: Took the Chunin exams again & passed…should the audience know this info? Most of them don't read fan translated manga.

Penny: Well, they will now.

May: Ok, who are our opponents?

(On cue, Jann Lee leaps in, with a flying front kick, and lands on a tree a few feet away from them.)

Jann: HWAAAAA! Behold, I am the strongest DOA fighter! I am Jann Lee!

Rock: Who's the Bruce Lee knockoff?

Jann: I am NOT a knockoff.

Rock: You sound like Bruce Lee when you fight, and I bet you use Jeet Kun Do, right?

Jann: Oh, and what about you?

Rock: I'm 100 original, bud!

Jann: Sure, whatever, my Level 6 abilities will knock that Moe Howard haircut back to the 30's where it belongs! (At this point, Mousse walks in.)

Mousse: Damn it, Jann, I told you to wait up for me! (Shakes May.)

May: I am not Jann! Please stop shaking me.

Mousse: Huh? (Puts on glasses.) Oh, sorry about that. Hey Penny, long time no see.

Penny: Hey there!

Rock: You know each other?

Mousse: We both work for Taylor's brother.

Penny: Weird world, ain't it. So, what brings you here?

Mousse: Well, Jann needed a partner, but Tao Ren cancelled at the last minute. Said something about 'not wanting to tag with an absolute jiang-shi's ass who wishes he was as bad ass as the ninja he's apparently a rival with'.

Jann: Hey, I knocked out a T-Rex!

May: What'cha want, a cookie? I think I'll let Penny & Rock handle this.

Judge: Alright fighters, to your places.

Jann: Let me go first Mousse, I'm raring to go!

Mousse: Yeah, just try not to make too many of those weird noises when you punch someone. It didn't look right when Bruce did it and it sure as hell don't look better with you doing it.

(Elsewhere, watching the fight on a big screen is Sakura, Taylor & Busterbeam, who are all eating cup ramen.)

Sakura: Do you carry this stuff around all the time?

Taylor: One of the things I've learned as a college student is just how invaluable these things are. Yum, spicy chicken.

Sakura: I prefer shrimp myself.

Busterbeam: Looks like Jann is putting up a good fight.

Taylor: Yeah, but Rock's got more than enough to take him!

(Jann manages to assault Rock & hit him with his Flying Front Kick, which knocks him back several feet.)

Jann: YEAH! How you like that!

Rock: So, this is the power that had knocked out a T-Rex? In that case, all those hits master Gai hit me with must be able to knock out a Colossus!

Taylor: A 'Shadow of the Colossus' reference…I'm losing my touch.

(Jann lunges, attempting a haymaker. Rock blocks & uses his counter attack, an elbow, to force Jann back. Then, Rock makes his move.)

Jann: Oh crap…

Rock: KONOHA SENNPU!

(Rock smashes into Jann with multiple kicks, before kicking Jann into the air & following up with the Shadow Leaf technique, driving him into the ground for a brutal knockout.)

Judge: K.O.!

Rock: Was there any doubt? (Gives a thumbs up & smiles)

Kim: HEY! THAT'S MY STYLE!

(Meanwhile, Sakura & Ibuki are playing with their respective Nintendo DS games, while Busterbeam & Taylor look over some manga.)

Sakura: So, what made you buy a DS anyway?

Ibuki: I think Animal Crossing did it for me. I was really hooked on the GC version. I spent 5 days fishing so I could make enough bells to pay off the mortgage the first time around. What 'bout you?

Sakura: Phoenix Wright. That was just awesome on so many levels.

Taylor: You know, ever since that game came out, I heard people have been acting rather…odd.

Busterbeam: Define odd.

Taylor: Well…

(DOATEC building. Kasumi is fighting Alpha 152. During a particularly damaging combo she delivers, Alpha manages to pull her infamous face exploding throw from out of nowhere.)

Alpha: Ha ha!

Kasumi: What in the---

: OBJECTION!

(Hayabusa drops in, briefcase in hand.)

Alpha: What the hell?

Hayabusa: During that last combo, you took several mid kicks into the abs & kidneys, yet with little effort you managed to grab Kasumi & perform a highly damaging throw. But your arms…they were not in the position needed to perform the throw.

Kasumi: Yeah! And one kick you do takes out more than 35 of my health.

Hayabusa: In short…(dramatic pose, complete with pointing) YOU ARE CHEATING!

Alpha: GAH! HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN!

Hayabusa: And there's the bastard giving you aid! (Points to Von Karma.)

Von Karma: Oh crap. I should have stuck to being a prosecutor.

Hayabusa: Damn right.

(Hayabusa Izuma Drops Von Karma. Repeatedly. Face first. Into a box of barb wire.)

Taylor: And imagine a KOF team of Kasumi, Tina & Hitomi. You have a ménage a tois of awesome right there.

Busterbeam: Yeah, but replace Kasumi with Brad Wong and you'd see better results.

Sakura: I only have one question: why does it seem like all female ninjas are…'gifted'?

Ibuki: How so?

Sakura: I don't want to point it out…but…well, you know…(points at Ibuki)

Ibuki: Ohh…uh, well it's not all of us.

Sakura: Let's see, you, Mai, Taki, Ayane, Kasumi, Maki, Hibana, those women from Sengoku 3, Tsunade…

Busterbeam: Wait what about Yuff-(Taylor puts his hands over Buster's mouth.)

Taylor: If you ever want to live to see the Knicks win the NBA finals, you will never finish that chain of thought. She's 'very' sensitive about that.

Busterbeam: How sensitive?

Taylor: Lina Inverse to the 20th power sensitive.

Busterbeam: Oh.

(Back to the fight. Mousse leaps into the air & dives at Penny, several swords sticking out from his sleeves.)

Penny: Damn, how many swords are you carrying?

Mousse: A lot. Some in places man was never meant to carry a blade.

Penny: Uh, right. NOW JOE! (Joe appears in front of Penny)

Joe: Gotcha! (Assaults Mousse with the Red Hot One Hundred.)

Mousse: So much for my wisdom tooth!

Penny: My turn!

(Penny, in a blur of typical ninja speed, dashes forwards & punches Mousse high into the air, then leaps and bicycle kicks him in the gut several times before sending him to the ground with a massive spinning heel kick for the win.)

Mousse: Wow…you did…get better…(faints)

Penny: Was there any doubt?

Kaiba: Hell yeah there was! Anyone really think a girl who gets captured as much as she does would really be able to learn ninjitsu and defend herself?

Penny: … (dashes forward and reappears behind Kaiba, with two Kodachi at her side. A few seconds later, Kaiba is assaulted with several burning slashes.)

Kaiba: I stand corrected. (faints from blood loss.)

(Back at the booths.)

Sakura: A multi man fight?

Ibuki: Yeah, that's what we got. Us, Taylor's team, and a couple of other teams are supposed to fight next.

Sakura: Fine by me, but the other partner I have helping us out isn't gonna be here for another five minutes. And we need one other partner.

Ibuki: I've got that avenue covered. Let's just get on down to the arena for the bout. And do try not to blow your budget on the chocolate flavored bananas.

Sakura: It's a FESTIVAL. What do you expect of me?

(The setting is Furinkan High School for the next bout. Sakura has already arrived, along with Taylor.)

Sakura: So, finally…we get to settle this whole 'fanboy vs. fangirl' thing.

Taylor: I could have sworn that we had finished it with the Duck Duck Goose Wars. Ah youth. So, who are we fighting?

Sakura: Good question. Probably some long lost powerful manga hero of days past.

(At this point New Edge comes in.)

Sakura: Or not.

N. Edge: FINALLY! ME AND YOU ONE ON ONE! THIS IS PAYBACK FOR YEAR AFTER YEAR OF ABUSE & TORMENT!

Taylor: Simmer down, I haven't done you wrong so badly.

N. Edge: Uh let's see…there were the Hardcore fights…the weapons fights…oh yeah, that time in the North Pole…oh, and firing the Vortex Gun in my face, how is THAT for just provocation?

Taylor: The Vortex Gun thing was Dazz, it was his birthday.

Sakura: Um, you fired the gun as soon as you entered the party.

Taylor: Oh yeah, I remember. Sorry, I developed a troublesome habit over the years.

Sakura: You never fired a Vortex Gun at me.

Taylor: One, you're cute, two, I like you, three, you don't send me crap associated with furries or complain about the sad state of cartoons I couldn't give two shits about. And for the record, I DON'T WATCH CARTOON NETWORK ALL THE TIME, SO I COULDN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE PROGRAMMING YOU HORSE'S ASS!

N. Edge: Someone needs to lay off the rageahol.

Taylor: Anyway, my partner will be starting off first, I'll let her deal with New Edge.

Sakura: Hey, who is this partner of yours anyway?

(It is at this point in time that Ururu Tsumugiya appears besides Taylor.)

N. Edge: …

Ururu: Hello.

N. Edge: Oh please, THIS little girl? Are you serious, c'mon!

Sakura: Oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap…

(Yuri & Yuffie take this opportunity to appear.)

Yuri: Ah, Furinkan High. This brings back so many memories…

Yuffie: You are an Furinkan High alum?

Yuri: No, my school had an Anything Goes Martial Arts Taikyo Drum contest with them every year. It usually ended in disaster for the food vendors though. Oh, hey Sakura, Retro Kid.

N. Edge: Will you stop calling me that?

Yuffie: You constantly spit out 80's cartoon trivia every time we come across each other. You more than earned that moniker. So, you ready to fight or what?

N. Edge: Sure, whatever. After I mop the floor with this urchin here, Taylor's next on my list anyway.

Yuri: Ummm…

Yuffie: Edge, are you AT ALL familiar with 'Bleach'?

N. Edge: Should I be?

Yuri: …let me start off.

(N. Edge, Ururu, Sakura & Yuri all start off in the middle of Furinken High's schoolyard.)

Announcer: Ready, Set…GO!

N. Edge: That announcer sounds familiar.

Announcer: I was once the disembodied voice for X Play.

N. Edge: Oh…say why did you…

Announcer: I made the mistake of comparing G4 to a festering plague of the bends.

N. Edge: Yeah, that will get you on the unemployment line.

(Before N. Edge has a chance to react, Ururu dashes forward quickly and swings a hard hook. N. Edge narrowly misses before noticing that the punch has created a large gaping hole in the nearby tree.)

N. Edge: WHAT THE CRAP!

Sakura: Don't look at me! (Dodges a few well used kicks from Yuri) I wasn't the dumbass who insulted her!

N. Edge: How was I supposed to know that she's more powerful than the entire 1985 Chicago Bears lineup?

Sakura: Maybe next time you'll read some damn manga! HADOUKEN! (exchanges fireballs with Yuri)

N. Edge: Ok, time for tactical maneuver #243! The most famous of the Anything Goes Martial Arts Techniques!

(Runs right towards Ururu.)

Yuri: He's actually going for a suicide attack?

(Runs right PAST Ururu.)

Yuri: Guess he wasn't that stupid.

N. Edge: Gotta think, gotta think…AHA! (Sees a treasure chest.) There's bound to be an item in there to help me!

(N. Edge kicks the chest open.)

N. Edge: Let's see…Jump Pirate Head, Apple, Roast, Can With Skull & Crossbones…whoa, I feel like crap all of a sudden…GOT IT! (Pulls out a bomb.) EAT DIVINE HEDGEHOG RETRIBUTION!

Sonic: (From afar) You're not a hedgehog!

N. Edge: Whatever. EAT RETRIBUTION REGARDLESS OF THE ORIGIN!

(Tosses the bomb. Ururu merely pulls out a spirit ward covered weapon & opens fire, destroying the bomb & bombarding N. Edge with multiple shots.)

Yuri: Time to end this Kasugano! HAOH SHO OH KEN!

Sakura: Crap! (Manages to jump over the massive fireball) Summon Time!

(A massive explosion of smoke appears. Shino Aburame, riding a giant beetle, comes in, tackling Yuri in the process.)

Yuri: HOLY SMOKES! (Launched into the air.)

Sakura: Ha hah, try & top that!

Yuri: Challenge accepted! GET 'ER GIRLFRIEND!

(Motoko Aoyama leaps in front of Yuri, sword raised.)

Motoko: Boulder Cutting Blade, 2nd Form!

Sakura: Oh, great…

(Right before impact, N. Edge staggers in front of Sakura.)

N. Edge: Anyone get the number of that semi…(Is slammed down hard by the force of the attack.) Never mind, I found it.

(Meanwhile, in the observation booth, Ryu & Guy are watching.)

Ryu: So, how do these guys stack up?

Guy: Not bad…although that Ururu girl seems to be moping the floor with the Edge character.

Ryu: Yeah, well, he opted to fight by himself. We tried to tell him that it was a team battle, but he insisted on going at it by himself.

Guy: It can't be too bad if he fights alone.

Ryu: Yeah, but he's Level 4…and he has about 15 help Komas.

Guy: Well…he knows how to use them right? (An explosion later.) Ok, scratch that. He knows of their existence, correct?

(Back to the fight. Ibuki is now fighting with Yuffie. Both are exchanging their respective shuriken attacks.)

Ibuki: Geez, don't you ever run out of the damn things!

Yuffie: I was gonna ask you the same question!

Ibuki: Fine, I'll just get by with a little help from my friend. NOW!

(Making a very grandiose entrance is Dark Schneider, who holds a mug of beer in his hands.)

Dark: Wha, am I on? Right…**BWAHAHAHAHA!** Witness, young & buxom maiden, as I unleash my totally awesome spell that will dazzle the simple & common video game otaku!

Yuffie: Oh, is that all. See, I was hoping you'd summon someone less obscure, but I guess I have to call out my ace in the hole. Say Schneider…meet my personal favorite magic user.

(Lina Inverse appears.)

Ibuki: Damn.

Lina: Ah, so who's talk dark & drunk over there? Not another Sephiroth template I hope.

Dark: I would be insulted if I wasn't amused by the obvious lack of boobage both you and your associate seem to suffer from.

Lina & Yuffie: WHAT DID YOU SAY!

Dark: Now run along, little girls (and I mean that in every way) as I show those two over there (points to New Edge & Ururu, who are still fighting) how a REAL kickass attack is supposed to…HEY, why are you hiding underneath what looks like a makeshift bomb shelter?

Ibuki: Because I do not want to die.

Dark: What are you---does anyone else sense a highly concentrated mass of magical energy?

Lina: **DRAGON SLAVE!**

Yuffie: **ALL CREATION!**

(For the next 20 seconds, a massive explosion of epic proportions fills the area. When the dust clears, there is a massive crater where Dark Schneider was standing at.)

N. Edge: Is this scene over yet? (Busterbeam appears.)

Buster: Almost. (Strikes N. Edge multiple times in the chest.) There. That oughta do it.

N. Edge: Do what?

Buster: I fixed it so that you can't guard for 5 seconds.

N. Edge: Why?

Buster: So Ururu can do this.

(Ururu suddenly teleports in front of N. Edge & kicks him. HARD. So hard he is literally sent flying into the school. Which then inexplicitly explodes.)

Ururu: Uh…was that too much?

Everyone Else: NO!

(Suddenly, a huge TV appears overhead. A strange shadow appears.)

: Well well, you are all looking nice. But how about a challenge from a REAL master? If any of you think you can take me, just go through the red door & meet me in my personal arena!

Ibuki: Why should we?

: Well, duh, it's the obligatory boss challenge from out of nowhere. Every fighting game has them. So, you in or what? (Disappears.)

Sakura: So, now what?

Yuri: I just hope it's not Iori in drag again.

Iori: It was ONE TIME, OK? Can we let it go already?

Sakura: No. So, who wants to undertake a challenge that could severely cripple you for the rest of your life, but give the rest of us a chance to study up on this guys ability? (All look at Taylor.)

Taylor: Goddamn it, why me?

Sakura: You rather send what's left of New Edge in there?

Taylor: Yeah…but since his obligatory appearance is all used up, I guess I gotta bite the bullet. Yuffie…you with me?

Yuffie: Well, duh, the dojo is in both our names. Finally, we get to use our custom deck!

Ibuki: Custom?

Yuffie: Oh, you'll see, it's quite a deck.

(The duo arrive in front of the red door.)

Sakura: Don't worry pal, we're right behind you.

Ibuki: Specifically, in the observation booth, alongside Ryu & Guy…eating hot cross buns.

Taylor: The faith our friends exhibit in our abilities is overwhelming.

Yuffie: Oh relax, you've got yourself hitched to a gal with the tradition of thousands of years of Kisaragi ninjitsu at her disposal.

Taylor: Which reminds me, did you and Jubilee, in any way shape or form, do something to Scott, creator of VG Cats, and Morgan Webb?

Yuffie: No, why do you ask?

Taylor: Because I got two separate emails today. Scott seems to have an infestation of tonberries in his home & Morgan thinks SOMEONE tried to sic a Sentinal on her.

Yuffie: It could have been anyone.

Taylor: A card was left at Scott's, which read ' Girl ninjas rule!' Name one other ninja I know who is as immature and vindictive as you.

Yuffie: Her! (points to Misao.)

Taylor: Weasel girl? PLEASE!

Misao: It's like he wants me to hurt him…KEICHO KICK!

(Several minutes later…the duo arrive in front of a massive palace.)

Taylor: Wow, check this spot out.

Yuffie: Whoever wants to duke it out with us seems to be loaded. What's say we take a 'peek' inside after we mop the floor with their proverbial faces?

Taylor: If by 'peek' you mean carry off anything of value we physically can before they regain consciousness, we need to refrain from such behavior.

Yuffie: What if they are evil?

Taylor: Then Tom Nook will feast greatly tonight on the spoils of our victory.

: Ah, some opponents. Finally, a worthy foe for me to…

Taylor: Yeah yeah, we know the spiel, you want an awesome bout, show the world how great & terrible you are.

Yuffie: We've been through this before. Just make your damn entrance so we can proceed to commit acts of legal assault.

: Fine fine, killjoys.

(A man leaps into the ring. It is none other than Captain N)

Capt. N: Surprised?

Taylor: Just when I thought I was out, they PULL me back in.

Yuffie: You can't escape the 80s it seems.

Taylor: Yeah and I can't profit off of the nostalgia either. What do you want, douche?

Capt. N: C'mon, is that any way to treat an old enemy? I just wanted to give you and you friends my regards…mainly with my fists & my custom made Zapper. (Twirls the Zapper like an gunslinger.)

Taylor: Sakura, Ibuki, have I thanked EITHER of you for shirking the hero duties for this episode. (May walks in.)

May: Buck up pal, I've got your back too. Besides the audience hasn't seen enough of me lately.

Capt. N: Uh, who are you?

May: I was gonna ask you the same. What's with the varsity jacket & toy?

Taylor: A long story…

(One Wikipedia visit later…)

May: Wow, I thought I heard of this show before.

Yuffie: Yeah, me too. Alucard does not like that particular subject to be brought up.

Taylor: I'd sooner get this debacle over with that start reminiscing on certain episodes.

May: You admit to watching it though; that is the first step to recovery. The second step…violence.

Yuffie: What's bugging me is why is he throwing out a challenge now.

Capt. N: Look about you, my dear. It is the Golden Age of Games. PS2, GBA, Nintendo DS, X Box Live, PSP…and the moment the PS3 & Revolution is released, it will continue to flourish.

Taylor: Uh, what about the 360?

May: I paid an excess of 500 big ones & have yet to be fully wowed by the experience.

Alpha 152: DOA 4 is online you know.

(At this point, Taylor shoots Alpha 152 in the face with a magnum.)

Taylor: Point being?

May: You didn't have to do that to her.

Taylor: When was the last time you played DOA 4 in Time Attack Mode & lost to her for over an hour, losing all self respect as she continuously cheated her way to victory over and over again.?

May: Oh, well…(pours kerosene on Alpha 153 & lights her on fire.)

Capt. N: Getting back to me, I want in on the action. And I figure the best way to get in on the action was to take over Nintendo HQ.

Taylor: Uh…

Yuffie: Yeah, look, does it seem like we run Nintendo HQ?

Capt N: I know. See, this is what we call in the video game world a 'distraction'.

May: You mean, while we are fighting you, your friends will be attempting a takeover of Nintendo.

Capt. N: Catches on quick, doesn't she?

Taylor: Well, it's not like he could take over Microsoft. And if your lame ass plans for taking over the video game world seem to involve kicking my ass, I have an alternate plan. And it involves my foot making an imprint of this size 9 Reeboks onto the surface of your ass.

(Back at the observation booth…)

Sakura: Capt. N?

Ibuki: Takeover?

Guy: Reeboks? (An alarm goes off. Toad pops his head in.)

Toad: Sorry guests, but we seem to have a few intruders at the gates.

Sakura: Ryu! It's up to you man! You can make mincemeat out of these geeks.

Ryu: C'mon, it's my day off! This isn't even a Namco x Capcom tribute story!

Guy: Just who are these intruders anyway?

Toad: Let me see…(pulls out sword.) Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!

(At the gates to Nintendo HQ are the Capt. N versions of Simon Belmont, Mega Man, Kid Icarus & Mother Brain.)

Toad: Oh man…a cavalcade of morons.

'MM': So, this is the mega-place?

'Simon': Look can we hurry this up? I have an appointment with my stylist at 9.

'Kid': At this rate, we'll have the area within our control in an hour. These defenses are pathetic.

'Mother': Oh mercy, why do I put up with this shit?

Sakura: I have an idea?

Joe: If it involves sending New Edge out there, I will state that for the record that he will more than likely join their side.

Sakura: I don't have an idea. (Penny walks in)

Penny: Oh God, not THEM!

Ibuki: Familiar with them?

Penny: Sadly, I have to say yes. Of all the ghosts from the 80's I never want to see again, I have to be haunted by them.

Joe: We need to get rid of them before they try to take over Nintendo HQ. And as violently as possible, thank you very much.

Penny: In that case, I've got the perfect plan. One I've been drafting for years. (Pulls out a manila folder.) I call it Operation: Payback.. And I'm gonna need your cell phone, Sakura.

(Meanwhile, Taylor, Yuffie & May face off against Capt. N.)

Taylor: So how should we do this?

Yuffie: You hate him more than we do.

May: Yeah, so you get the first shot.

Capt. N: Thanks, don't mind if I do!

(Capt. N fires off a volley of blasts at the trio. They all quickly scatter.)

Taylor: Did I mention that Zapper fires real lasers?

May: A little warning next time!

Capt. N: Aw c'mon, is that the best you got?

Yuffie: No, this is. (tosses a kunai dagger, disarming Capt. N.)

Capt. N.: Uh oh.

Yuffie: YOU'RE TOAST! (lunges in to hammer him with a fist to the face.)

Taylor: Wait, Yuff!

(Capt. N disappears.)

Yuffie: Where'd he go.

Taylor: He 'paused' on us.

May: Say what?

Taylor: That belt of his? It's a controller with a built in pause feature. And if I remember anything about the guy, he should be running out of power right about…

(blocks with his bokken as Capt. N tries to hit him from behind with a baseball bat )

Taylor: Nowish.

Capt. N: Geek.

Taylor: Whatever. (Grabs the Capt. & tosses him over his shoulder. Capt. N lands on his feet.)

Capt. N: Oh, did I show you MY kickass summon?

Yuffie: Whatever lame ass toon you can throw at us, we can take it!

May: Yeah!

Taylor: Bring it, jabroni!

(Capt. N summons Megatron)

Taylor: 00

May: …wow…

Yuffie: So, this is what a foot in the mouth feels like.

Megatron: Why did you summon me puny human?

Capt. N: It was either you or Starscream.

Megatron: Oh. Well, in that case…

Taylor: Not so fast! I've got a handy little summon of my own!

Capt. N: Don't tell me…You've got Optimus Prime!

Taylor: No…I work with manga, remember! BEHOLD AS I SUMMON FORTH ONE OF THE MOST FEARFUL ENTITIES IN ALL OF ANIME AND MANGA HISTORY!

(A puff of smoke and out steps Asuka Langley Soryu.)

Asuka: Hey, dumbass! What did you just say about me! (Gives Taylor a very angry look.)

Taylor: Just stating the obvious, is all. Quick, get in your Eva & kill the dynamic dumb asses over there.

Megatron: Who's the girl?

Capt. N: I dunno. And I fail to see what's so powerful about her.

Asuka: YOU EXPECT ME TO WASTE MY PERFECTLY GOOD PILOTING SKILLS ON THOSE TWO!

Capt. N: Never mind.

Megatron: There goes my sensors.

Taylor: Look, our team contract specifically states that you come in and perform an attack or assist when we are in battle.

Asuka: Yeah, but I was expecting something of an Angel-like threat of attack to make me use my Eva.

Yuffie: She has a point. He's barely bigger than a Gundam.

Megatron: If you don't mind, I'll just be aiming for the whole lot of them.

Asuka: SHIT! Look, I have an idea. Oh SHINJI!

Taylor: You can't do a summon! I just summoned you.

Asuka: Jump regulations clearly state I can do a attack in conjunction with a fellow member of my anime/manga.

Shinji: Hey what's up! WHOA! A mecha!

Megatron: Actually, I'm a Transformer, but thanks for the acknowledgement. Prepare yourself for oblivion and such.

Asuka: Do us a teeny, tiny favor & help get rid of this nasty robot. (grabs Shinji by his hand.)

Yuffie: When is she ever this nice to him?

Taylor: Usually, right before…

Shinji: What can I do?

Asuka: A little attack, something in the vein of---SHINJIDOUKEN!

(Tosses Shinji, head first, towards Capt. N & Megatron.)

Taylor: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GONNA DO!

Asuka: Just sit back and watch. The Third Child will come through for once.

Shinji: I mustn't run away…I mustn't run away…I WON'T RUN AWAY!

(Shinji's Eva comes out of nowhere and punches Megatron high into the air before he explodes.)

Yuffie: Yeah, who didn't see that coming.

Taylor: Liar.

Capt. N: Hah! You missed me. And I've got a hell of a lot more to take you down.

Shinji: Not so fast…Taylor, let ME get this guy.

Taylor: Uh…sure.

Asuka: What? Shinji, what the hell do you know about fighting?

Shinji: A lot more than you think. Misato's been training me. Plus I've got 14 something years of intense hatred for my father fueling me.

Asuka: That will do the trick. Knock 'im out Third Child.

Capt. N: I won't even need my Zapper for this. (Cracks his knuckles.)

Shinji: Whatever. Maybe I oughta let Toji take this guy…oh wait, he's dead.

(Capt. N rushes at Shinji. Shinji, standing calmly reaches into his pocket…and pulls out a copy of 'Make Out Paradise'.)

Asuka: Huh? HENTAI!

May: What are you doing!

Shinji: Catching up on my reading. I just gotta read the latest chapter!

Taylor: What the---HEY! That's my copy! (Is put into a headlock by Yuffie)

Yuffie: AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A COPY, HUH!

Capt. N: ….

Shinji: C'mon keep fighting. Even though we both know you don't stand a chance.

Capt. N: I'M GONNA FRIGGIN' KILL YA!

(Capt. N tries a variety of attacks on Shinji, who dodges them all as he continues to read from the book. As Capt. N lunges for a punch, Shinji backhands him across the face, then kicks him high into the air.)

Asuka: There goes his jaw.

Shinji: Do it! (Yomiko Readman appears)

Yomiko: Paper Airplane Assault! (Capt. N is shredded by a barrage of rapid fire paper airplanes.)

Capt. N: What the hell!

Shinji: I'm not done yet! Summon 2!

(Patlabor Unit 2, piloted by Noa, runs out & beans Capt. N with the baton.)

Capt. N: When…does the hurting…stop?

Shinji: Don't worry it ends...now! (Shinji picks up Capt. N & finishes him off with the Kiniku Buster.)

May: Wow…

Taylor: Shinji is more awesome than I thought.

Asuka: Which means Hell has become a glacier. So does this mean our portion of the story is over?

Taylor: Yup.

Shinji: Nutters.

Yuffie: Agreed…I'm hungry, let's see if that palace has any grub.

Shinji: So what should we do?

Asuka: I dunno…let's make out to kill some time.

Shinji: What!

Asuka: I'll take that as a yes! (Grabs Shinji & kisses him passionately.)

(Back in front of Nintendo HQ)

'Simon': Ha ha ha! Looks like the day is almost ours! Say, does my tan look alright?

'MM': Yeah, yeah, it looks mega tight!

'Kid': I can't believe all they got to defend this place was a army of Toads and Koopas.

'Mother': Honey, there ain't nothing a Koopa or a Toad can do except stand there & look pretty. Now let's take over & show these turkeys how to REALLY run a company.

: **OBJECTION!**

(Standing before them is Phoenix Wright)

'MM': Who the mega-hell is THAT?

Phoenix: You're the former stars of 'Captain N: The Game Master', am I correct?

'Simon': FORMER? I'm still as handsome as I was in 1989!

Phoenix: I'm afraid, 'Simon', that a few clients of mine wish to respectfully disagree with you…

(From out of the building steps Richter Belmont, Old School Mega Man, Pit & Samus.)

Richter: IMPOSTER! You have nothing to do with my family!

Mega: I can't believe people mistook me for you. Who looks at you and says 'Yeah, that's Mega Man alright!' (prepares Mega Buster

Pit: My name's not even Kid Icarus! That's the name of the game! Sheesh, I'm not even gonna waste my best arrows on you.

Samus: I wanna laugh at you, but I figure putting you out of your misery is much more human. And the REAL Mother Brain is gonna personally greet you…in Hell. (charges up her missiles.)

Phoenix: I'll leave the negotiations up to you. (walks away as the carnage commences.)

(Back at the booth)

Sakura: Wow…

Ibuki: You've been planning for this day for that long?

Penny: Well, a girl's got hobbies to keep her entertained. I was just lucky Phoenix wasn't too busy.

Phoenix: But you seem to have a grudge against those guys.

Joe: Yeah, what's the deal.

Penny: Don't ask. The answers would get all of you in trouble.

Sakura: Fair enough. Until next time gamers.

Guy: So, what do you want for that copy of Trauma Center?

_And now, a public service message…_

(We are joined in a soundstage behind the scenes by Edward Elric, Yugi Muto & Son Goku, all sitting in chairs.)

Edward: Hi folks. We sure had a lot of fun tonight making fun of a lot of things.

Goku: Specifically stuff from the 80s the author wants to forget.

Edward: But I'll tell you what isn't funny anymore: complaints about Adam Sessler, Morgan Webb or X-play.

Yugi: Adam & Morgan are people just like you or me, who just happen to review games with a higher bar than most people. Sure, it's snarky, but that's their gimmick. And although we disagree with certain things they say, it is their opinion.

Goku: And remember, the writers are working for a network who has become out of touch with the proposed target audience. The jokes you see in X Play are a reflection of what the writers are told to do in an effort to entertain YOU.

Edward: Ultimately, it is up to YOU, the viewer, to decide what games you want to play and what type of entertainment you want. Instead of complaining all the time about how much X Play sucks, look for something else to hold you over, take up a hobby, try martial arts, something. The time spent there is more useful than bitching about how much you hate this shop.

Yugi: And if you are gonna say that Adam & Morgan don't play the games, provide proof. Who are you, a bunch of Joe McCarthies in training?

Goku: Well, good night and good luck.


End file.
